Day One

I woke up this morning with the refreshed determination that today is the first day of a concentrated effort to be a better me. Not a me that someone would want, but a me I want. A me I'm happy to be with. A me that no longer needs interaction to pretend happiness. A me that no longer looks at everyone's life and wish he had any of that. Nope, I'm accepting (yet again) my station in life and that, from here until the end, this is it. Work, kids, alone. Just shy of true stability, just short of any goal, just enough hope to try one more day.
Anyway, back to my enchanting day of laundry, cleaning, walking and Ramen.

Checking In

It's been a while, but I figured I'd take a moment to let whomever reads these to know I'm doing better.  There's been hiccups, but for the most part I've been successful.  I've started walking during the evenings in an effort to get into better shape.  Financially, I'm struggling, but there's a plan so a couple months I expect to be better.  Socially, well, that"s a little bit of a rub.  I'm still dark on my old Facebook, and have found myself seeking Instagram and Google+ for interaction.  That's what was saddening me on Facebook (among other things), so I probably need to keep tat in mind.  I also backed off the dating apps because I'm remembering how exhausting that is.  I check in every now and then, but for the most part, I'm okay with my current condition.  I mean, I miss the companionship, but the lack of rejection is a comforting feeling.  Work is hectic, but I'm pretty sure that's attributed to the workload and the unfortunate side effect of running out of time to truly vet designs. Like my finances, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I just have to wait out the storm until that happens.  I'm still having fun, but the hiccups just sadden me from time to time.  For the most part I cannot complain,  I have a roof over my head with all the necessities taken care of, I have food to get me through, and I have my phone in the completely off chance anyone wants to interact with me.  I know I need to make a few more life changes to complete my realignment, but the things that made me sad the last couple posts have run their course.  So again, I just have to remember that it's all temporary.
This too shall pass.

I Still Make Mistakes

That is something I need to accept. I'm 44 and a half and I still make mistakes. Sometimes they are little mistakes no one notices. Sometimes they are on a grand scale that everyone sees.  It's not that I'm not trying.  Often it's because I'm trying too hard.  I tend to focus on the wrong things or obsess too much about one thing and still fail.
I'm trying to minimize these mistakes.  I know that my perfectionist tendencies have waned the past couple few years, what with the perception that people kind of don't care, but I think I really need to buckle down and get back into it.
I mean, my family life is mostly a string of failures, my personal life when I gave it a chance is failures, finances is a struggling failure; but with work being my life blood, I need to get that under control.  I'm finding myself getting internally curt with coworkers and my perception that they rely on me too much.  I need to calm down and make sure I provide them with what they need as they expect they need it.  Too often recently I've assumed they can finish the final pieces of the bulk that I've done.  I need to make sure I give myself enough time to complete it and with minimal mistakes.  I'm discovering assuming they can finish results in my mistakes.  Unfortunately this holds true on the spilt joint efforts.  Things I never even touched because I was working on other areas seem to also come back on me when there are mistakes.
I get that most of what I'm venting about may not seem like I should be claiming these mistakes. That I'm beating myself up for things outside my control.  Maybe. But maybe it's also the only thing I should have under control.  Maybe I've done just enough long enough that now should be the time that I start doing too much.  Some of my coworkers work from home way into the night and over the weekends, and have their successful personal and family lives.  I'll still have my falling family life and non-existent personal life, but maybe I'll have a less mistake ridden work life.
Or maybe I'm just getting ready to make another mistake.