This week, something happened that we all are aware happened, but none of us know why. Many have speculated, many have assumed to know, many have received backlash for their opinions on something they don't understand, and even many more have shared these view, opinions and beliefs. All of it has bothered me more than the event that cause them all.
I love Robin Williams. I religiously watched Mork and Mindy as six year old until it eventually ended after Mearth was born (another idol a mourned the passing of). I've seen all of his staring movies except Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, and The Fisher King (and I honestly tried to watch The Fisher King because of Terry Gilliam and Jeff Bridges as well, but I just couldn't get into it). I watched every possible stand up special of his, and loved every episode of The Crazy Ones and was sad when it was cancelled.
When my wife texted me that he passed away, I was shocked. I was sad. I immediately looked it up online and saw that it was a suspected suicide. I was still sad, but I then understood.
I watched as many people posted memes and other people's thoughts about why a guy that had everything would take his own life; why someone who overcame so many personal demons would kill themselves; why someone who made so many people laugh would silence themselves forever. The problem is, we don't know, they don't know, no one but Robin knows why he did it.
I don't know why he took his life, but I understand. For about thirty years of my life, I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicide. When I was fourteen, sixteen, and seventeen, I was "evaluated" to try and find out what was wrong with me. "Above average intelligence with homicidal tendencies." "Strong moral compass resulting in harm to oneself rather than others." "A time bomb waiting to go off." I never let people know the real me. Even when these tests were conducted, I tried to hide who I really was, but they pretty much nailed it. That's a lot to take in as a teenager. Even more when hoping that the Navy doesn't see that information when trying to get in. They did not; I got in.
I have always been the class clown. I have always been able to find the bright side of every dark situation, even when that bright side is even dark in itself (I responded to a coworker asking why Robin would have killed himself by saying that he heard that Michael Bay was going to reboot Mork and Mindy). So for Robin; one of the funniest people ever to have done something so desperate; I understood. I hide who I am and how I feel in my humor.
So I understood how the biggest clown ever decided that there was nothing left to keep himself going. I can no longer count the times that I have contemplated or come close to attempting to end my own life in the last thirty years. Many times I have thought that everything would be easier if I wasn't around; not just for me, but everyone I know. But then I also think about how my actions would negatively affect them. Remember when evaluations said I would rather harm myself than others? Well, sometimes I've thought how that action would hurt others.
I'm not saying that this is what Robin did, or what he was thinking; just that I understand. Along with my suicidal thoughts, I suffer from depression. For twenty years, I self medicated myself with this infliction. Medication that ranged from writing to drinking to emotionless sex to other forms of self-destruction. The difference between myself now and a decade ago is that up until a decade ago I wanted to die, and now- I'm ready to die. Don't read too much into that. It's just that I'm at a point in my life where I feel I have lived a full life and I wouldn't regret anything if something happened where I died tonight.
The reality is, Robin's actions have brought a lot of speculation to light; and most of that is unhelpful. People have stated that antidepressants lead to suicide and should be outlawed to prevent people like Robin from killing themselves (even though we don't know if Robin took antidepressants, and because people don't understand why that is the case [It's because severely depressed people aren't motivated enough to take their own lives, but the primary thing antidepressants do is boost motivation; causing people originally not willing to do anything to actually do something.]). Others have speculated his debt, his most current admission to rehab, or even a recent diagnosis of Parkinson's as the reason for his death. Again -- Only he knows, and he failed to leave a note. Honestly though, I have written enough suicide notes to know that they tend to have no useful information. Lots of misdirection, excuses, and answers that those reading it wanted. Basically, suicide notes are like daily astrology prediction -- they tell us what we want them to.
People believe that suicide is a form of weakness; that suffering from depression is a form of strength. I firmly believe that one is without the other. Either you see depressed people as weak or those that commit suicide as strong. Me, personally, I don't see either as one or the other. I've suffered from depression, I have been dangerously close to committing suicide many, many times. I have seen myself as weak and strong, depending how I felt the outcome was and how I truly felt at the time. I still debate at whether any of those times would have been best for me and everyone, but where I am at is how everything is now; so instead, I deal with that instead.
There was a point in my life, from seventeen on, that I openly discussed with people the perfect suicide. Painless, quick, not messy, didn't require much planning, needed to be 100% sure of success. Those were my requirements. It was seen by many as a humorous mental exercise of hypothetical and unrealistic expectations. I mean, really, can you think of a form of suicide that fits all these qualifications? 45-caliber brain surgery -- painless, quick, but messy, requires planning, and a chance of unsuccessful results in brain damage. Jumping off a building -- painless, but not quick, requires planning, and unsuccessful results could lead to a life or paralysis. Slitting one's wrists -- minimal planning but painful, not quick, and not 100% successful. Hanging myself -- completely wrong; planning required, painful, not quick, and not 100% effective. Overdose -- minimal planning and painless, but not quick and not 100% successful. Heck, every form I could ever think of had a drawback that made it not the choice I wanted. I eventually became partial to the idea of hanging upside down until the blood pressure in my head caused it to explode -- minimal planning and painless, but messy as heck and over that last twenty years I have debated whether this is even a realistic outcome.
All I know is at this point in my life, I no longer plan on killing myself. I still have days where I want to be dead, but it's as a result of something else. I no longer want to take my own life. I'm pretty sure I never will; whether it's because I am weak and cannot or am strong and will not is debatable. For Robin to take his own life, it was his decision and he is neither strong or weak for doing it. We all mourn his decision because we all will miss out on how he made us all laugh. We are all selfish for wishing he had been "stronger" a little bit longer so we could still enjoy him, and we pity him for being so weak for taking the easy way out. Let me make it perfectly clear... suicide is not an easy way out. It's a really big decision, and anyone that thinks it is easy has never experienced it. Has never had a gun, knife, pills, or even a bottle of something that was their salvation, but yet their biggest struggle. I'm a sucker for the "what if". The "what if" is always why I have never been able to take my own life. Again, looking back - I am completely satisfied with my life and feel quite fulfilled. I have accomplished and done so much in the 42 years on this earth. Granted, I only have 328 Facebook friends and 128 Twitter followers that "may" care if I no longer exist tomorrow, but from a selfish point-of-view, I'm okay with that.
In that last decade I have "matured" to the point that I wish nothing but the best for anyone. No matter what they have done to me in the past or what I have done to them. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy as long as it's not at the expense of others. I don't know why Robin took his own life; neither do you, neither do they. Only Robin knows; but we do need to know that people out there are depressed, hide their depression behind humor, and may make a decision that those that have never experienced it will never understand.
Many of us were entertained by Robin's unique humor, and many of us were saddened by his decision to end his suffering, but I understand. I hope I have helped you understand too.
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