The Charleston Thing

I say thing because I have no desire to identify what it was.  Was it a shooting?  Racisim?  Terrorism?  A reason for further gun control?  A never ending trend of violence in this country that is escalating?  All of this?  Maybe even none of it?  Is it perhaps something else?

I don't know.  I honestly don't care either.  Part of me got quickly burnt out by the constant media coverage, including the standard periodic updates of no new information so we'll speculate instead.  The other part started hating God for this.
It's been a long time since my long since defining moment that established the relatonship God and I have.  A very long time.  And those feeling have slowly been creeping back into my thoughts in recent months.  Trying to figure out why events in my life have hapened recently.  Trying to understand if his hand is in all of this, and why he's decided to go against our agreement.
Then bullshit like this thing happens, and God shows back up again in the vernacular of the people.  People wondering why he would let this happpen.  People asking for prayers for the victims and survivors.  Even one claiming devine intervention for her being somewhere where the shooter happened to be so she could call police to come get him.  Honestly, interviews with her give the impression that she fully believes that God had a hand in the circumstances of the apprehension of this individual.

Which brings me back to my returning hate.  The beliefs of others that God was involved in the resolution of this awful event irks me.  Shit, I read posts from friends online where they too share their beliefs that God is solving their problems for them.  Like he's blessed them by providing them with a working spare tire, a helpful stranger, or the solution through the same problem-solving avenue any atheist or agnostic would have taken ("Thank God there was a mechanic that could fix our car").  Blessed.  They honestly believe they are blessed.  Blessed by God providing a soluton to their bad situation.
This is the kind of thing that makes those that don't believe in God sound sensible.  When something bad happens to them, it's not because some bearded guy sitting in the clouds wants to test their devotion to him or because he has some better plan for them that's yet to be revealed.  And when these things happen, they're not solved through the actions of a sky wizard.  Nope.  To them, shit happens, there's a reason, solve the problem and move on.

I once had a friend that was looking at eviction because they didn't have enough money for rent.  I offered to loan them money, but they didn't take it because God would provide them with a solution that wasn't borrowing money.  Eventually, after more attempts to loan them money, I finally just gave them the money.  They thanked me, and then pointed out my lack of faith in God was sad because he did provide them the money they needed.  Well, I'm grateful to God for giving them that money.
It's like the joke about the guy sitting on his house during a flood.  A raft comes by and that guy asks him if he wants to get on.  "Nope.  God will save me.  God will provide."  A little while later, with the waters higher, a guy in a boat comes by and offers to save him.  "Nope.  God will save me.  God will provide."  With this guy almost under water, a helicopter comes by and the same thing happens.  No rescue.  God will provide.  Then the guy drowns and dies.  Goes to Heaven and appears before God, and this guy is pissed.  "I had faith that you would save me, but you let me die."  God shakes his head and asks him, "I sent a raft, a boat and a heicopter; what more did you fucking want?"

So this shooting happened in a church; God's house; and no one questions why he let that happen.  Just praising him for that guy getting captured, asking him to keep helping, and seeing this as a test of faith.  Did no one remember the stories in the bible?  God rescued his chosen people from opression.  God stopped Abraham from killing his son (that he told him to kill).  God had Noah build an ark to save his family and a whole bunch of animals.  God even let his own son die for some lofty reason.
But notice something in all of those stories.  God didn't come in to save the faithful after letting bad things happen to him.  Granted, he often rewarded those that eventually followed him, but he never let bad things happen to the faithful.  Except one time, and that one time bothered him so much, he never did it again.  Shit, he actually disappeared after it happened.  Yes.  Read your Bible.  After the book of Job, God is never heard from or seen again.  He's talked about, but in past tense and no further stories of him doing new stuff.

I took to my empty forum to not convince you that there is no God.  Our agreement incluses me no longer doing that, but I can point out the obvious and ask questions.  One obvious is that this shooting took place in a church, and that's supposed to be sacred to God.  What other place is sacred to God?  Jerusalem; a place that has constant shooting for hundreds of years.  A sacred place for three sects of religions that believe in one God and that their sky wizard gave them that land.  Why should we be surprised that God let someone shoot up a church when he's allowed death on the holiest of places on this Earth for centuries?  I mean, statistically one of them is wrong, right?  Especially if all three agree that there is only one God.  That means one of them is right and two are wrong.  I suspect all three might be wrongs since there are diviisions of the beliefs even within the sects themselves.
What bothers me is that if there is ony one sky wizard, why the fuck hasn't he come down and straightened this out?  He stopped Abraham from killing his own son.  Had Moses herd a bunch of Jews through a desert.  Told Noah what to do to save his family and animals.  He can't come down and tell us which of the three is correct?
I'd be there with bells on, but until then, I think I'll just keep shaking my head at everyone that thinks he's there to solve their problems.

Status update

It's been a while.  I know.  I mean, I still hope no one reads these.
So since my last posting, I have made great strides to the redefinition of my life.  I have accepted my current situation and decided that I must take actions to move on.  It started with seeking reconnection with online friends.  I kind of messed that up.  Then I deceided to follow the example of my wife's moving out of our bedroom and moved out of our bathroom  Yea, I share the bathroom with the cat.
That's okay though.  eventually, the cat and I will be sharing an apartment.  Yes, during the course of messing up a friendship, I have decided to take the advice of others and break out on my own.  A morbidly frighhtful thing really.  My last attempt resulted in a police visit as a respnse to a suicide note after a month of being alone.  Granted, I'll have Waffles with me.  And my ids will be there from time to time.  It won't be thirty days of isolation without a job and dwindling money on hand and waking up to a car reposessed by the separated wife a shut off bank account.  No, complete isolation isn't in store for me, so I think I might make it.
But there was a moment of panic and a desire to replace what I had with what I think I need.  Yea, that was the friend mistake.  She indicated that she reads everything I write, including these; even after I stoped publishing them.  So, to be honest, that is why I haven't shared in a while, and while this share lmost didn't happen for the same reasons, I feel I need to get weight off my heart.
Basically, I took an oportunity, in my head, to replace the comfort and content in my head by separating myself (at her wish) from one person and connecting with another.  Unfortunately, in my head and real life are two different things.  I am being reminded why I struggled so many years ago.  I am easily smitten.  I take any form of attention as affection.  Freindships with women have always been easy for me, but as soon as I interpret their intentons, I ruin the friendship.  That's a pattern.  A pattern I need to break.  Especially if I want friends during the next phase of my life.
I haven't even updated my relationship status on Facebook to reflect my current state.  Part of it is because I'm not truly seperated, yet.  Something made painfully clear in the firend screw up.
I want this friend.  I'll be honest.  I want her in my life.  I always have.  Timing just never was right.  And this time it was again not right.  In my mind, it was only a couple months off, but I was so much more off.  She cancelled an evening with me a couple/few weeks ago, and our conversations have been strained and scarce since then.  It has been noticed that we no longer have our Sunday morning breakfasts, and I am sad during every oportunity I have to spend with her that she declines.  I let my mind define what I felt, and I think that scared her off.  I mean, I'm still attached, so I can't be fully there for her until I am no longer here.  Well, actually, I fear that time will never happen.
It is probably best that I concentrate on me.  I'm sure it won't win her heart, but I don't think she wants me in her heart anyway.  At least not like that.  Just a friend.  Yep, that's come up again.