Almost there

It seems like it's been a very long time.  It seems like there's still so much more time left.  I have a little over five weeks until I finally get to move to a new place.  Unlike all the other times, it happens this time.  Granted, all my financial planning I'd done for six months were undone last month, and I'm still having anxiety in being able to do this; but it's finally happening regardless.
No longer having to come home to a separated shared house.  It's a good feeling.  I mean, it will be.  I hope it will be.  I hope I haven't built up how much happier I will be when I finally move somewhere by myself.  I expect reality will finally kick in once I'm truly by myself.  It makes me nervous thinking about it.  And sad.
Yea.  It seems I'm at the precipice of fully coming to terms with the harsh reality of my situation.  This post was shorter than I'd intended.

Moving On

I'm pretty sure tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when my life changed.  I'm pretty sure it was last year on a Thursday because Saturday was Valentines Day and one of the things that was a gift was delivered to my work on Friday.  Granted, I ended up throwing it away on the way home.  Just that gift though.
Here's the backstory.  For a couple/few months before, I was getting worried that my wife didn't want to be around me anymore.  So I decided that this year, Valentines Day would be special.  I would set aside money for a fancy restaurant, flowers, and a gift that had thought behind it (something that I wouldn't be told later I secretly wanted for myself).
I especially wanted to do this since only a could weeks earlier I made a joke about how she would make up excuses to spend time away from me and with her friend instead.  A comment that was a drunken joke, at my birthday party full of her friends, that I found out later upset her friend.  I guess it was unfair to accuse her of something so untrue.  So, anyway, I decided that Valentines Day would be when I make up for that and get the spark (if it was gone) back into our relationship.
Of course, like an idiot, I made a joke that morning about how she seemed to always be in a rush to get away from me.  Unlike when I said the thing when we were both drunk, the comment made her reflect on what was going on.  So that night (still pretty sure it was a Thursday) she told me that what I had been denying to myself the past couple/few months was true.  That she no longer wanted to be with me.

For those of you that have faithfully followed me this past year (which I'm hoping is really no one), you watched me post what I've gone through, you know how I feel, and you're probably sick of hearing about it.  Heh.  Yea, I guess I'm about sick of it too.  Soon.  So very soon.  It's still a bit muddy of when this holding pattern will end, but soon.  And the other stuff too.  That girl I pined over a couple posts ago, I know she didn't post it for me, but she posted one of her -isims that with basically if you share your feeling and don't get a response, that's your response, and you should move on.  She's right.  I never told her, I told you, but regardless, there was no response.
Yea, tomorrow should be the one year anniversary of a response I never wanted.  I don't want to fail again, and she's right - I need to move on.  I need to move on.

Moving on.

A Pirate Looks at Forty (-Four)

Tomorrow I turn forty-four.  That's a lot of years.  A lot of things I've done.  I'll keep saying it: I'm still surprised I'm not dead yet.
Hopefully this year's "festivities" pass with little fanfare.  Thankfully I have nothing planned, but I didn't last year until plans changed.  (I'm beginning to see a pattern.)  Today I head to Las Vegas on business for a couple days.  I'm hoping this is the extent of anything outside my routine to happen this week.
Looking back at things I've done and have happened is becoming more often measured in decades for me now.  I have an increasing number of mistakes, I mean life lessons, in my past.  Looking into the future is becoming more dreadful.  I remember thinking I had plenty of time for things later in my life.  Now it's later in my life and have no idea how much time I have left.  It's getting difficult to get excited for what's coming up anymore.  This year I get to venture out on living by myself; forty-four years and this will hopefully a successful attempt at doing that.  Later in the year will be the divorce planning.  Too many of those it seems anymore.  Here's hopping I stay true to my plans of not doing that again.  Then there's the other thing this year of not seeking companionship.  I'll confess, recently there were opportunities, but, Jesus, the panic attacks take the steam right out of those sails.  I noticed the mixed metaphor, but you get the point.
How is it, at this age, I cannot be strictly physically intimate with anyone I have zero emotions for?  Why has every one of those encounters ended with guilt and apologies?  I don't look back at those encounters with regret, but I also don't look forward to repeating it with those individuals.  That statement seems hurtful and void of feelings, but it's a decades old fact for me.  Yep, if I don't want to make the mistake of another relationship, I'll have to do better at being celibate.  I don't think I can physically go through that again, and I don't want to make that shift that removes that end result.
Huh.  Thinking of her again.  I guess there's that one I could, but only because I foolishly always felt something for her.  Thankful, it's been almost impossible to ever hang out with her.  It would seem that she too is trying to avoid that which should not be acknowledged.  She's even said it's too bad that I can't just be physical without the emotional connection.  Yep.  Very bad.
One would think with the title, this would have been more Jimmy Buffett themed; but, nope, apparently I'm just going to mull about my learnt situation and pine for the same girl I cannot have.  If anything, it reminds me of my youth, when I failed my first marriage and sought happiness in a school mate.  Obviously that one didn't pan out either, but she was quite a different set of obstacles.  But maybe this time...
Hopefully we all know better.