Motivation

So have a severe case of lack of motivation. Between not wanting to do work once I leave work and a sizable number of boxes with stuff still in them, it's become pretty obvious.  I basically come home and think about what I should be doing.  Hell, I even think about what I want to do,
I basically do nothing.
Tomorrow is Friday of a no kids weekend. I look forward to those only because I don't have to entertain and can get things done that need to get done. Since moving in here, this will be my third one. I honestly have every intention of doing stuff this weekend.
The Bob Parsons residence drawings that are due tomorrow I'll definitely have to work on, especially since I told my boss I'd start on them once I get back from Tucson. Oh, and I have to go too Tucson tomorrow; talk about a motivation killer.
Anyway, the drawings have to get done, and I think I want to hang my red shelves do I can get all the nerd stuff out of their boxes. That'll clear up bookshelf space do I can get the books out and into their homes. Oh, and I want to finish the entertainment set and find a place for the record crate. I've also been driving around with VHS tapes in my car that I want to take to Goodwill; I souls do that so I can fold the seats back and reclaim my trunk.
I'm putting this all to words so it's out there. In the off chance anyone reads these, they'll be someone silently judging me when I fail. I'm tired of failing, so hopefully this provides me the motivation I need to start... well, to start.  Anything really.  I need to move on from clusters and boxes and only doing just enough. I think I've had my little pity party long enough. I need to get to enjoying being with myself instead of sitting and loathing what I've become.

Hopefully this was less pathetic and more motivational than other posts. Besides, I'm in Vegas for a week in less than a month, so I need to get ready for long walks and heat.

The what ifs

Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?  The what could have beens?  All this alone time gives me ample opportunity for those.  I try to ignore them.  They only fuel the sadness, but they are always there.  The last couple weeks I've been successful on not acting on them.  Spending time seeking lost relationships, trying to cultivate ones that never started before.  Yes, there's that one, but like all the other what ifs and what could haves, it's a fool's errand.
No, I must concentrate on the present.  Focus on what I have. Focus on what I am.  Sadly, I don't like what I am and I feel I have nothing.  I mean, I have decades worth of failures to look back on.  Failures that have defined me.  Failures that are me.  I look at what I have and I now worry about when they too will become failures.  An older soon I don't know at all.  A current son and daughter I worry about disappointing.
Maybe it's all for naught.  Maybe I'll pull out of these overwhelming feelings and get myself back on track to happiness.  Heh heh.  Maybes are just like the ifs and could haves.  Just a different type of helplessness; one I might have control over.  We'll see, I guess.