The what ifs

Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?  The what could have beens?  All this alone time gives me ample opportunity for those.  I try to ignore them.  They only fuel the sadness, but they are always there.  The last couple weeks I've been successful on not acting on them.  Spending time seeking lost relationships, trying to cultivate ones that never started before.  Yes, there's that one, but like all the other what ifs and what could haves, it's a fool's errand.
No, I must concentrate on the present.  Focus on what I have. Focus on what I am.  Sadly, I don't like what I am and I feel I have nothing.  I mean, I have decades worth of failures to look back on.  Failures that have defined me.  Failures that are me.  I look at what I have and I now worry about when they too will become failures.  An older soon I don't know at all.  A current son and daughter I worry about disappointing.
Maybe it's all for naught.  Maybe I'll pull out of these overwhelming feelings and get myself back on track to happiness.  Heh heh.  Maybes are just like the ifs and could haves.  Just a different type of helplessness; one I might have control over.  We'll see, I guess.