When It Rains...

I appear to be having lots of experiences where I think I have everything stabilized,  but I'm not even fucking close.  Like proper fucked not close.  I'm not going to get into it here; not because no body is reading these, but because I don't want to increase the negativity.  Without someone proper to vent to, I'm just quickly turning to here to get it out of my head before I start over obsessing.  I can't do anything about it right now; and by the time I can do anything, there's little I can do to correct for this.  So, I'm just doing this to put it out of my mind.
But I will remark on how the relationship before made me quite cautious to share anything; and after it looked like the last one wouldn't end that badly, I thought there'd be no harm in sharing.  Well, folks; I was both painfully right and horribly wrong.  I'd vow that I won't make this mistake next time, but after my walk tonight I realized something far greater.  I may be alone and miserable without someone in my life right now, but if I do stick to plan and wait until my life is stable (in maybe six months) before I make myself available to date again... why the fuck would I do that?
I mean, my perception of stability is living within my means, being more physically active, and discovering or developing positive activities to fill my time.  If I can successfully do all of that, why would I break that up with someone that obviously is going to be temporary?  Yea, that thing above that I won't expand on has ended any desire I have to be with anyone.  It's exhausting and I don't feel like starting over again after that one fails.  No matter how long it lasts... this is not worth it.

Joie de vivre

So, it's been a while since my last post; I admit.  It's been a better month honestly.  I mean, comparatively.  Well, within context.
So like my last post was about why people don't want to be around me.  On that topic and involving the kids, I think we've made some progress.  If anything, there's some acceptance of that's how we are with each other, but that they do like hanging out with me.  I still think there's a level of "we can watch YouTube at Dad's" still there, but we're making progress.
Before that I posted a rediscovery about things one needs to stop doing if they want to be happy.  That too I have made some progress on.  I discovered that in my isolation I would turn to Facebook to find happiness, and that was actually making me sadder.  And all the drama within my news feed (as in what I saw others posting) fed into that as well.  So I cut myself off from Facebook.  That helped.  Unfortunately, I realized I replaced it with Instagram as a sought source of happiness, but at least the drama is missing.  But, yeah, I should stop looking for happiness online.
I guess as long as I keep thinking I'm broken I'll keep struggling to "find" happiness.  It's humbling to think that almost fifteen years ago I moved back to Arizona because I had to rediscover what made me happy.  Being here makes me happy.  Truthfully, back then I didn't rediscover what made me happy; I found someone that did.  Come to find out and harshly discover, it isn't healthy that someone is your source of happiness.  Well, not healthy for me.
I cut my hair this weekend, and by cut I mean shaved it.  It's been a while since I donned that style and I've honestly been hesitant to do it the last couple years because people like the way I look that way.  Heck, many have already confirmed it this time around.  So here I am all sexy and younger looking, and I think I'm comfortably done trying to find happiness in someone.  Heck, I'm still catching myself thinking about things that never will be, but I'm getting better.
I'm getting better.
I have another solo weekend this week, and for the first time, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I have no plans and I think I'm okay not having any.  I mean, we'll see, but at the moment, I'm looking forward to it.  I need to go through the clothes I haven't sorted and find my "work out" clothes.  I need to start using that workout room next door.  Maybe make the rest of me as sexy as my head.  No, I actually need to get this lower back thing to calm down and I think being more active might help with that.  Gotta stop sitting around being sad all the time.  Who knows, maybe this could replace my seeking online happiness.  You know, replace one crutch with another.
Until next time.... live life, I guess.