Self loathing

You do realize that you're pretty much done, right?
There is no penguin.
There is no otter.
There is no soul mate.
This is it.  If you've not learned anything in the past almost two years, and even less in the last almost thirty years, then you do truly deserve to suffer.  You are flawed, and there is no one left that wants to experience that.  They cannot fix it, so why, at this point in your life, would they want to be with you?
Remember this, my simple fool.  Each new meeting will end in avoidance.  Each established friendship will end in avoidance.  They may want you for their reasons, but they will never want you for yours. So, I suggest you build that wall you tried so many many years ago, and accept that this solitude is your company until your last breath.

Try and find comfort I that my old friend.