For the past eight Fridays, it has been just me and my kids. This is my life now. Maybe it hasn't been eight weeks; it could be less, but every Friday it has just me, Kammie, and Devyn. I wouldn't trade that for anything really.
"Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things."
The reality is that I have failed at another marriage/relationship. I know failure is a harsh adjective for what has happened, but it is what I have chosen to help me accept what has happened. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that what I perceived was incorrect, only to clear the view of another to what she truly felt; which was the reality. My new reality.
I know that returning to this medium may seem cowardly because I'm failing to communicate directly with the one that has thrust me into this reality, but I have always felt comfortable in sharing my feelings with the void that is this blog. A void that no one responds. A void where no one judges. A void where I fully embrace that no one cares.
That sounds sad, huh? It's not. It's the new age version of what helped me move on with the passing of my mother. So much so time spent blaming myself when she left me. I do not remember the "professional" that helped me move on, but the suggestion to write a letter to my mother of all the guilt I felt only to burn it afterwards helped ease my mind. This is akin to that letter and that burning. Granted, it'll be on the internet forever, but if you're reading this - it's an unintended side effect of me writing something I figure no one would ever care to read.
So, why the Darth title and Star Wars quote? Because it has been forced upon me to adjust my life again. Relationships aside, marriages in my past have always left in physically moving on. The first one, Kim, moved back to Illinois and I moved back to California (I say moved, but I was in the Navy and was transferring from Dahlgren, ,VA back to San Diego, CA). The second one, Katie, resulted in me moving back to Arizona; the last place I remembered being happy in my life. And happiness was why that one ended, just like this time. The only difference was who was happy. This time it is her who is no longer happy, and it is 'out there' where her happiness lies.
Which brings us to the Yoda quote and my new Friday nights. While my marriage, per se, appears to be over, noting has really changed for me. I accept that she wants to move on and pursue activities or relationships that make her happy, I however am not. I mean, I don't want to. I thought I found myself my penguin. My last true mate. The last part was correct because I'm not planning on using this opportunity no move on to someone/something new.
Again, these are my new Fridays. However, as with all other ends, a new beginning must start. Darth Kanin seeks not a new adventure, but has decided to focus on the two stabilities in his life. Granted he's reaching out to all his friends through this medium, but then again, I fully expect no one to actually read this.
They say there are five stages to grief, and while I have been trying very hard the last week to convince myself that I am at the acceptance stage; I am fully aware that I have not followed the stages exactly in order (I haven't bargained at all because the external forces are not within my control), but I also know that the reality is what it is, and any attempt to change it will only complicate everything. At least that's how I feel.
So, there it is. A relationship's end with me currently trying to keep it in a stasis of normalcy (that's the third time I have used that word this week). I'm accepting that this stage of a long relationship is over, but I am not at a point where I plan to move on. She will have her moments away from me that make her happy, but I am where I want to be. While I prepare to no longer be who I am right now (as I do with every relationship transition), I do it only to better my relationship with my kids.
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