Does anyone even read these? I hope not. It's always comforting to be able to do this. I've been in the new place for a week now. It's been difficult. It's not how I had planned it. I know I've covered that before. The loss of saved money that would have reduced my anxiety. The difficult process of putting my life into to boxes. Taking those boxes to my new abode of solitude. Made more difficult by all the attacks.
I start my mornings by heading over there while mentally making a decision of what I will focus on. Then, like a humming bird, I go from area to area trying to avoid how I feel. Then I eventually start crying, and then I throw up (yea, that's a new stupid thing I'm doing). At which point I then gather all my stuff into my car and head back to the new place to redistribute my stuff.
The new place: Lots of "I don't care" going on here. Unpacked things haphazardly put places for later sorting. Bags of packed clothes lying on a closet floor. Cat stuff without a any idea where I really want it. An air mattress on the floor that's serving as a temporary replacement for a mattress I wanted to replace back when I had money to do so.
Just a fantastic collage of patheticness that I really want no one to see. Yep, the perfect environment to ensure that no one can be interested enough to hurt me later. <snort laugh> A couple weeks ago I ventured into the dating-app realm. You know, because going out to discover no one wants to interact with me requires money, effort and planning. Nope, I find being rejected virtually way more efficient. So, after a couple/few weeks, I think I'm done with that experiment; which is odd because just yesterday a friend discussed with me that they saw me on one of those apps, but only told me that after I promised I wouldn't shut down. So, I'm now aware that quitting these additional sources of sadness might give them the impression that I broke my promise.
Is it irony that the relationship I most recently failed at was what I wanted as the perfect relationship? Someone to hang out with and be able to talk about things. Granted, near the end, she didn't like listening to me talk about things, and even now wonders why I talk to her when I do. I mean, if I had my druthers, I wouldn't be in a situation to be around her, but she's still pretty much the only thing in my life that's qualifies as a friend that wants to hear me talk about what's going on in my life. It'd be nice if that person and I were able to be intimate, especially since that's been the most difficult thing about going cold turkey on relationships.
The thing about needing to have someone in my life, the need to be validated or accepted, it's such a difficult thing to overcome; and like I just mentioned, even more so when forced to do it cold turkey. I know this is the path my life is now, and I know I just have to accept the solitude. Thankfully, no one reads these and I can just keep on being whiny about how my life has ended up.
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