Gethsemane

I only want to say if there is a way
Take this cup away from me
For I don't want to taste its poison
Feel it burn me, I have changed
I'm not as sure as when we started

Then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired
Listen, surely I've exceeded expectations
Tried for three years, seems like thirty
Could you ask as much from any other man?

But if I die
See the saga through and do the things you ask of me
Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me, nail me to their tree

I'd wanna know, I'd wanna know my God
I'd wanna know, I'd wanna know my God
Wanna see, I'd wanna see my God
Wanna see, I'd wanna see my God

Why I should die?
Would I be more noticed than I was ever before?
Would the things I've said and done matter any more?

I'd have to know, I'd have to know my Lord
Have to know, I'd have to know my Lord
Have to see, I'd have to see my Lord
Have to see, I'd have to see my Lord

If I die what will be my reward?
If I die what will be my reward?
Have to know, I'd have to know my Lord
Have to know, have to know my Lord

Why should I die?
Why should I die?

Can you show me now that I would not be killed in vain?
Show me just a little of your omnipresent brain
Show me there's a reason for your wanting me to die
You're far too keen on where and how and not so hot on why

Alright I'll die
Just, just watch me die
See how, see how I die
See how I die

Then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like thirty

Why then am I scared to finish what I started?
What you started, I didn't start it

God, Thy will is hard but You hold every card
I will drink Your cup of poison
Nail me to Your cross and break me
Bleed me, beat me, kill me, take me now
Before I change my mind

Getting There

So, it's almost June, which means we're at half way to the end of it.  The school year for the kids is over.  They will both be middle schoolers next year, and just down the street from me at that.  The big thing is that my summer will be mostly me working hard during the week and the weekends with the kids.  It's a good thing, although I assume you think it'd impact my social life being as how I plan to have no weekends to me.  Yeah, well, I have discovered that I suck at social now.
Truth be told, I tried dating at the beginning of April and, for the most part, I was unsuccessful.  I have discovered that at my age, I'm basically set in my ways and that most new people I meet are going to eventually annoy me.  Even though I am almost nearing the one month anniversary of not being on Facebook and the three and a half month anniversary of disconnecting from all other social media, I am still yearning...  Well, that's probably not the right word; I mean rather the thing with the social media that I felt I still feel when I look at other people in the physical world.  I still envy others.
Well, I still struggle.  I'm still not the me I need to be.  The me that I have always wanted to be in my life.  I am getting closer.  I have made strides this last month.  Not great strides, but strides.  The last couple weeks I have been solely using my laptop for everything, trying to get used to it and making it more familiar to me as I use it.  See, I have always had a laptop and a desktop, with the desktop being the core of what I do and the laptop being the "when I need to use it" device.  Well, I now have a more powerful laptop, so I am trying to become more comfortable with it.  I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it is part of m process.
Money is the other part.  I am less than a week away from possibly starting the first month of getting ahead financially.  Two years of planning, sometimes unsuccessfully, and I could possibly not only break even but surplus in the process.  It's very exciting, but I have to wait until the end of a three day weekend where I will be staying to myself not spending.  Not a negative, just an observation.
But yeah, June.  June will be a positivity.  I'm close.  I can feel it.

One Year Since

Today marks the one year anniversary of Prince's untimely death.  It's been a long year.  I've listened to my Prince Memory playlist many times.  Many, many times.  It's weird, right?  Just like David Bowie, I can listen to Prince and it's like he's still with us.  But I'm realizing that my life's been on pause.  Holding on to the memories that remind me of happier days.  Like how "The Arms of Orion" reminds me of Soo, or like how the album 3121 reminds me of Hawaii, MPLSoUND/LOtUSFLOW3R reminds me of Mississippi, Graffiti Bridge reminds me of my first Westpac on the USS Cushing (DD-985), Diamonds & Pearls reminds me of the USS Anchorage (LSD-36), and Chaos and Disorder reminds me of my last Westpac on the USS John Paul Jones (DDG-53).
Every song, every album reminds me of a part of my life.  A very long, very full life.  A year ago, the abilities for milestones ended.  Never again would I have a yearly Prince entry to add to my memories.  And here I am, a year later, wondering if I've put my life on pause because of his death or because I am afraid to move on.  Yeah, it's another failure in a long string of relationships, but it's not the end of my life.  Granted, I've spent the last year in my new apartment telling myself that I'm moving on, but I've managed to remain stagnant; like my Prince music collection.

Anyway, just musings.  Don't read into any of this.  It's a Friday night, Prince has been dead for a year, tomorrow is the second Record Store Day I cannot attend because I'm still trying to figure out how to live on my own as an adult, this month was the last time I had to pay child support for a son I haven't seen in over a decade, and at some point I need to file for yet another divorce after over two years of being separated.  I know all of this has been affecting me at work too; I don't really care as much as I should and I'm sure it'll be clear soon.  Actually, I'm sure it might be now.  Anyway, have a good Friday... until next time.

Life's too short.

We all know the old adage, "Life too short, blah blah blah."  Yeah, probably not without the blahs.
It dawned on me the other day that this is pretty much BS.  I mean, I've done a lot of life's too short stuff in my lifetime and I'm still here.  I know this might ring familiar with the last post; but yeah, at this point I convinced that life is not short.  Maybe for some, but I'm exhausted.

Update

So, the last post was about me shutting down all my social media stuff.  After doing all that, I went and traveled, and manned to not need to check in our share things I saw. I mean, I did with texts to people I'm close to, and that was maybe 50% successful.
But the big thing I realized today is that for the past couple years, there's been no one that feels the need to know if I have landed safely.  That was humbling.  After over a decade of telling someone every time I land somewhere that I'm safe, there's no one to tell that anymore. I mean, Waffles is on my lap happy that I'm safe and home, but she's got no way of knowing until I come through the door.
Again, humbling.  Also, there's been more thoughts about how I'm ready for this all to be over.  Not by my hand, mind you; just the generic I'm old and I'm ready.  But, not to make this a theology post, I'm pretty sure there is no merciful God that in his or her divine wisdom had planned that my time is nearing its end.  So, I grudgingly trundle on.

Shut It All Down

So, my last post was a bit on the dark side. I'll admit that. It doesn't make it untrue. And, to make matter worse, I forgot how true all of that was.
So, rewind to Monday (which was at the end of a weekend of being sick) and the eventual re-realization that I spend much of my time wishing my life was better or getting frustrated at the sheer ignorance of people I know; well, some people.
But, I also realized that just deactivating my Facebook isn't going to solve hire I feel. So, I've deactivated all of my social media accounts. If people want to get a hold of me, there's the phone number I've had for the past fifteen years. They can also email me, and they can probably Google that.
Anyway. This may be the last one of these for a while. Maybe it won't. I don't know. All I know is, I am unhappy but social media is not the solution. I need to be unhappy unplugged.