For the past eight Fridays, it has been just me and my kids. This is my life now. Maybe it hasn't been eight weeks; it could be less, but every Friday it has just me, Kammie, and Devyn. I wouldn't trade that for anything really.
"Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things."
The reality is that I have failed at another marriage/relationship. I know failure is a harsh adjective for what has happened, but it is what I have chosen to help me accept what has happened. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that what I perceived was incorrect, only to clear the view of another to what she truly felt; which was the reality. My new reality.
I know that returning to this medium may seem cowardly because I'm failing to communicate directly with the one that has thrust me into this reality, but I have always felt comfortable in sharing my feelings with the void that is this blog. A void that no one responds. A void where no one judges. A void where I fully embrace that no one cares.
That sounds sad, huh? It's not. It's the new age version of what helped me move on with the passing of my mother. So much so time spent blaming myself when she left me. I do not remember the "professional" that helped me move on, but the suggestion to write a letter to my mother of all the guilt I felt only to burn it afterwards helped ease my mind. This is akin to that letter and that burning. Granted, it'll be on the internet forever, but if you're reading this - it's an unintended side effect of me writing something I figure no one would ever care to read.
So, why the Darth title and Star Wars quote? Because it has been forced upon me to adjust my life again. Relationships aside, marriages in my past have always left in physically moving on. The first one, Kim, moved back to Illinois and I moved back to California (I say moved, but I was in the Navy and was transferring from Dahlgren, ,VA back to San Diego, CA). The second one, Katie, resulted in me moving back to Arizona; the last place I remembered being happy in my life. And happiness was why that one ended, just like this time. The only difference was who was happy. This time it is her who is no longer happy, and it is 'out there' where her happiness lies.
Which brings us to the Yoda quote and my new Friday nights. While my marriage, per se, appears to be over, noting has really changed for me. I accept that she wants to move on and pursue activities or relationships that make her happy, I however am not. I mean, I don't want to. I thought I found myself my penguin. My last true mate. The last part was correct because I'm not planning on using this opportunity no move on to someone/something new.
Again, these are my new Fridays. However, as with all other ends, a new beginning must start. Darth Kanin seeks not a new adventure, but has decided to focus on the two stabilities in his life. Granted he's reaching out to all his friends through this medium, but then again, I fully expect no one to actually read this.
They say there are five stages to grief, and while I have been trying very hard the last week to convince myself that I am at the acceptance stage; I am fully aware that I have not followed the stages exactly in order (I haven't bargained at all because the external forces are not within my control), but I also know that the reality is what it is, and any attempt to change it will only complicate everything. At least that's how I feel.
So, there it is. A relationship's end with me currently trying to keep it in a stasis of normalcy (that's the third time I have used that word this week). I'm accepting that this stage of a long relationship is over, but I am not at a point where I plan to move on. She will have her moments away from me that make her happy, but I am where I want to be. While I prepare to no longer be who I am right now (as I do with every relationship transition), I do it only to better my relationship with my kids.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
The Difference Between Being a Racist and Being an Idiot
There's been a lot of talk recently about the rampant level of racism in this country. I wasn't alive fifty or one-hundred and fifty years ago, so what I'm about to say is purely academic. If I was alive fifty or a hundred and fifty years ago, I am pretty sure I would hate non-whites for the simple reason that they were non-whites. I'm also pretty sure it would be extremely easy for me to find other whites that shared my hatred toward non-whites.
Understand, when I say hatred, I mean hatred. I would hate these people. I would hate to eat the same food they do. I would hate to use the same water as them. I would hate to touch the same doors they use. I would hate to sit in the same seats as they do. I would hate them to the point that I would want them dead.
HATE
Pure hate for the simple reason that they were not white like me.
But I'm not alive back then; I'm alive now. I'm alive at a time where we integrate rather than segregate. I'm alive at a time where it's okay to use the same things those of another ethnic background use. I'm alive in a time when it's okay to sit next to them and even touch them. I'm alive at a time where we even voted them into the highest office in the nation.
But I'm also alive at a time where I have to be careful what others interpret my actions, words or thoughts to mean. I'm alive at a time where hidden motivations are brought to light in every mixed-race situation like a magician produces a rabbit. I live in a time where that irrational hated I mentioned above is forced into these situations as if all the progress ever made never existed.
I just cannot understand why. Just as I cannot understand how a person can hate another person simply for being of another race; I cannot understand why racism has to be the reason for these unfortunately events. I'm not going to take a side on this Missouri thing, just as I refused to take a side on the Martin thing; but neither of them were a result of racism. The racial differences between the victim and shooter is not a reason to claim white-on-black violence or to claim there is a huge problem with racism in this county.
I cannot tell if the definition of racism has become so watered down over the past fifty years that is has changed from a form of hatred to any form of perceived-negative action against non-whites, or if this all because crusaders behind a successful crusade have nothing more to do so they manufacture perceptions to keep their crusades going. I'm not about to say that race relations are 100% perfect, but it's not like it was fifty years ago -- not even close.
The problem with the situations like were experiencing in Missouri and last year in Florida is not racism. The problem is idiocy; pure and simple. When I was a kid, I played cops and robbers; and when I played a cop, I pretended to have a gun. I have watched many a cop movies and cop shows, and all the cops in these movies and shows have guns. I have been around many cops in my lifetime, and every single one of them had guns. They even had guns where they were not actively being cops. Cops have guns. That's a factual statement that I think everyone can agree to and understand.
The reason why cops have guns is to protect themselves. It's the same reason why military personnel and security guards have guns. A situation may arise that they feel they lives are threatened, and the gun is there to protect them. They don't carry bats, or knives, or hammers, or bricks -- they carry guns. So when someone attacks them with a bat, or a knife, or a hammer, or a brick -- they defend themselves with their gun.
The thing is -- if you're the type of person that is feels the need to attack a cop, one of three things is going happen. The cop will rationally take in and assess the situation and find a non-lethal way to disarm and restrain the attacker. --OR-- The cop will react by drawing their weapon but remain calm enough to fire an effective disabling shot and then restrain the attacker. --OR-- The cop will panic and shoot the attacker attacking them until that attacker is no longer attacking. One of these scenarios could result in a dead attacker. For the record, when a cops panics and shoots an attacker dead, the white attackers die just as easily as the non-white attackers regardless of the race of the cop. Also, all this will apply to military and security guards too.
The problem in these situations in not whether the individual in a position of authority is racist towards the individual they shot and killed; the problem is the idiot that thought it was a good idea to attack someone with a gun. Again, we all know cops have guns, and the guns are there to protect them. So, if you're the type of idiot that thinks it's a good idea to attack someone that might defend themselves with a gun they have, then you're probably going to get shot and could die. Why? Because the chance that a cop you're about to attack has the training or mental fortitude to not panic when you threaten the lives is pretty low.
One more thing. Not only do all cops carry guns so people shouldn't attack them, but there's even a law called 'Assaulting a Police Officer' that you could get charged with if you survive the attack. I'm pretty sure we all know that little nugget of information. So, before we all start chalking another one of these tragedies to the rampant racism in this country, can we please remember that there are a lot of idiots out there, and idiocy knows no race?
Understand, when I say hatred, I mean hatred. I would hate these people. I would hate to eat the same food they do. I would hate to use the same water as them. I would hate to touch the same doors they use. I would hate to sit in the same seats as they do. I would hate them to the point that I would want them dead.
HATE
Pure hate for the simple reason that they were not white like me.
But I'm not alive back then; I'm alive now. I'm alive at a time where we integrate rather than segregate. I'm alive at a time where it's okay to use the same things those of another ethnic background use. I'm alive in a time when it's okay to sit next to them and even touch them. I'm alive at a time where we even voted them into the highest office in the nation.
But I'm also alive at a time where I have to be careful what others interpret my actions, words or thoughts to mean. I'm alive at a time where hidden motivations are brought to light in every mixed-race situation like a magician produces a rabbit. I live in a time where that irrational hated I mentioned above is forced into these situations as if all the progress ever made never existed.
I just cannot understand why. Just as I cannot understand how a person can hate another person simply for being of another race; I cannot understand why racism has to be the reason for these unfortunately events. I'm not going to take a side on this Missouri thing, just as I refused to take a side on the Martin thing; but neither of them were a result of racism. The racial differences between the victim and shooter is not a reason to claim white-on-black violence or to claim there is a huge problem with racism in this county.
I cannot tell if the definition of racism has become so watered down over the past fifty years that is has changed from a form of hatred to any form of perceived-negative action against non-whites, or if this all because crusaders behind a successful crusade have nothing more to do so they manufacture perceptions to keep their crusades going. I'm not about to say that race relations are 100% perfect, but it's not like it was fifty years ago -- not even close.
The problem with the situations like were experiencing in Missouri and last year in Florida is not racism. The problem is idiocy; pure and simple. When I was a kid, I played cops and robbers; and when I played a cop, I pretended to have a gun. I have watched many a cop movies and cop shows, and all the cops in these movies and shows have guns. I have been around many cops in my lifetime, and every single one of them had guns. They even had guns where they were not actively being cops. Cops have guns. That's a factual statement that I think everyone can agree to and understand.
The reason why cops have guns is to protect themselves. It's the same reason why military personnel and security guards have guns. A situation may arise that they feel they lives are threatened, and the gun is there to protect them. They don't carry bats, or knives, or hammers, or bricks -- they carry guns. So when someone attacks them with a bat, or a knife, or a hammer, or a brick -- they defend themselves with their gun.
The thing is -- if you're the type of person that is feels the need to attack a cop, one of three things is going happen. The cop will rationally take in and assess the situation and find a non-lethal way to disarm and restrain the attacker. --OR-- The cop will react by drawing their weapon but remain calm enough to fire an effective disabling shot and then restrain the attacker. --OR-- The cop will panic and shoot the attacker attacking them until that attacker is no longer attacking. One of these scenarios could result in a dead attacker. For the record, when a cops panics and shoots an attacker dead, the white attackers die just as easily as the non-white attackers regardless of the race of the cop. Also, all this will apply to military and security guards too.
The problem in these situations in not whether the individual in a position of authority is racist towards the individual they shot and killed; the problem is the idiot that thought it was a good idea to attack someone with a gun. Again, we all know cops have guns, and the guns are there to protect them. So, if you're the type of idiot that thinks it's a good idea to attack someone that might defend themselves with a gun they have, then you're probably going to get shot and could die. Why? Because the chance that a cop you're about to attack has the training or mental fortitude to not panic when you threaten the lives is pretty low.
One more thing. Not only do all cops carry guns so people shouldn't attack them, but there's even a law called 'Assaulting a Police Officer' that you could get charged with if you survive the attack. I'm pretty sure we all know that little nugget of information. So, before we all start chalking another one of these tragedies to the rampant racism in this country, can we please remember that there are a lot of idiots out there, and idiocy knows no race?
Friday, August 15, 2014
Tears of a Clown
This week, something happened that we all are aware happened, but none of us know why. Many have speculated, many have assumed to know, many have received backlash for their opinions on something they don't understand, and even many more have shared these view, opinions and beliefs. All of it has bothered me more than the event that cause them all.
I love Robin Williams. I religiously watched Mork and Mindy as six year old until it eventually ended after Mearth was born (another idol a mourned the passing of). I've seen all of his staring movies except Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, and The Fisher King (and I honestly tried to watch The Fisher King because of Terry Gilliam and Jeff Bridges as well, but I just couldn't get into it). I watched every possible stand up special of his, and loved every episode of The Crazy Ones and was sad when it was cancelled.
When my wife texted me that he passed away, I was shocked. I was sad. I immediately looked it up online and saw that it was a suspected suicide. I was still sad, but I then understood.
I watched as many people posted memes and other people's thoughts about why a guy that had everything would take his own life; why someone who overcame so many personal demons would kill themselves; why someone who made so many people laugh would silence themselves forever. The problem is, we don't know, they don't know, no one but Robin knows why he did it.
I don't know why he took his life, but I understand. For about thirty years of my life, I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicide. When I was fourteen, sixteen, and seventeen, I was "evaluated" to try and find out what was wrong with me. "Above average intelligence with homicidal tendencies." "Strong moral compass resulting in harm to oneself rather than others." "A time bomb waiting to go off." I never let people know the real me. Even when these tests were conducted, I tried to hide who I really was, but they pretty much nailed it. That's a lot to take in as a teenager. Even more when hoping that the Navy doesn't see that information when trying to get in. They did not; I got in.
I have always been the class clown. I have always been able to find the bright side of every dark situation, even when that bright side is even dark in itself (I responded to a coworker asking why Robin would have killed himself by saying that he heard that Michael Bay was going to reboot Mork and Mindy). So for Robin; one of the funniest people ever to have done something so desperate; I understood. I hide who I am and how I feel in my humor.
So I understood how the biggest clown ever decided that there was nothing left to keep himself going. I can no longer count the times that I have contemplated or come close to attempting to end my own life in the last thirty years. Many times I have thought that everything would be easier if I wasn't around; not just for me, but everyone I know. But then I also think about how my actions would negatively affect them. Remember when evaluations said I would rather harm myself than others? Well, sometimes I've thought how that action would hurt others.
I'm not saying that this is what Robin did, or what he was thinking; just that I understand. Along with my suicidal thoughts, I suffer from depression. For twenty years, I self medicated myself with this infliction. Medication that ranged from writing to drinking to emotionless sex to other forms of self-destruction. The difference between myself now and a decade ago is that up until a decade ago I wanted to die, and now- I'm ready to die. Don't read too much into that. It's just that I'm at a point in my life where I feel I have lived a full life and I wouldn't regret anything if something happened where I died tonight.
The reality is, Robin's actions have brought a lot of speculation to light; and most of that is unhelpful. People have stated that antidepressants lead to suicide and should be outlawed to prevent people like Robin from killing themselves (even though we don't know if Robin took antidepressants, and because people don't understand why that is the case [It's because severely depressed people aren't motivated enough to take their own lives, but the primary thing antidepressants do is boost motivation; causing people originally not willing to do anything to actually do something.]). Others have speculated his debt, his most current admission to rehab, or even a recent diagnosis of Parkinson's as the reason for his death. Again -- Only he knows, and he failed to leave a note. Honestly though, I have written enough suicide notes to know that they tend to have no useful information. Lots of misdirection, excuses, and answers that those reading it wanted. Basically, suicide notes are like daily astrology prediction -- they tell us what we want them to.
People believe that suicide is a form of weakness; that suffering from depression is a form of strength. I firmly believe that one is without the other. Either you see depressed people as weak or those that commit suicide as strong. Me, personally, I don't see either as one or the other. I've suffered from depression, I have been dangerously close to committing suicide many, many times. I have seen myself as weak and strong, depending how I felt the outcome was and how I truly felt at the time. I still debate at whether any of those times would have been best for me and everyone, but where I am at is how everything is now; so instead, I deal with that instead.
There was a point in my life, from seventeen on, that I openly discussed with people the perfect suicide. Painless, quick, not messy, didn't require much planning, needed to be 100% sure of success. Those were my requirements. It was seen by many as a humorous mental exercise of hypothetical and unrealistic expectations. I mean, really, can you think of a form of suicide that fits all these qualifications? 45-caliber brain surgery -- painless, quick, but messy, requires planning, and a chance of unsuccessful results in brain damage. Jumping off a building -- painless, but not quick, requires planning, and unsuccessful results could lead to a life or paralysis. Slitting one's wrists -- minimal planning but painful, not quick, and not 100% successful. Hanging myself -- completely wrong; planning required, painful, not quick, and not 100% effective. Overdose -- minimal planning and painless, but not quick and not 100% successful. Heck, every form I could ever think of had a drawback that made it not the choice I wanted. I eventually became partial to the idea of hanging upside down until the blood pressure in my head caused it to explode -- minimal planning and painless, but messy as heck and over that last twenty years I have debated whether this is even a realistic outcome.
All I know is at this point in my life, I no longer plan on killing myself. I still have days where I want to be dead, but it's as a result of something else. I no longer want to take my own life. I'm pretty sure I never will; whether it's because I am weak and cannot or am strong and will not is debatable. For Robin to take his own life, it was his decision and he is neither strong or weak for doing it. We all mourn his decision because we all will miss out on how he made us all laugh. We are all selfish for wishing he had been "stronger" a little bit longer so we could still enjoy him, and we pity him for being so weak for taking the easy way out. Let me make it perfectly clear... suicide is not an easy way out. It's a really big decision, and anyone that thinks it is easy has never experienced it. Has never had a gun, knife, pills, or even a bottle of something that was their salvation, but yet their biggest struggle. I'm a sucker for the "what if". The "what if" is always why I have never been able to take my own life. Again, looking back - I am completely satisfied with my life and feel quite fulfilled. I have accomplished and done so much in the 42 years on this earth. Granted, I only have 328 Facebook friends and 128 Twitter followers that "may" care if I no longer exist tomorrow, but from a selfish point-of-view, I'm okay with that.
In that last decade I have "matured" to the point that I wish nothing but the best for anyone. No matter what they have done to me in the past or what I have done to them. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy as long as it's not at the expense of others. I don't know why Robin took his own life; neither do you, neither do they. Only Robin knows; but we do need to know that people out there are depressed, hide their depression behind humor, and may make a decision that those that have never experienced it will never understand.
Many of us were entertained by Robin's unique humor, and many of us were saddened by his decision to end his suffering, but I understand. I hope I have helped you understand too.
I love Robin Williams. I religiously watched Mork and Mindy as six year old until it eventually ended after Mearth was born (another idol a mourned the passing of). I've seen all of his staring movies except Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, and The Fisher King (and I honestly tried to watch The Fisher King because of Terry Gilliam and Jeff Bridges as well, but I just couldn't get into it). I watched every possible stand up special of his, and loved every episode of The Crazy Ones and was sad when it was cancelled.
When my wife texted me that he passed away, I was shocked. I was sad. I immediately looked it up online and saw that it was a suspected suicide. I was still sad, but I then understood.
I watched as many people posted memes and other people's thoughts about why a guy that had everything would take his own life; why someone who overcame so many personal demons would kill themselves; why someone who made so many people laugh would silence themselves forever. The problem is, we don't know, they don't know, no one but Robin knows why he did it.
I don't know why he took his life, but I understand. For about thirty years of my life, I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicide. When I was fourteen, sixteen, and seventeen, I was "evaluated" to try and find out what was wrong with me. "Above average intelligence with homicidal tendencies." "Strong moral compass resulting in harm to oneself rather than others." "A time bomb waiting to go off." I never let people know the real me. Even when these tests were conducted, I tried to hide who I really was, but they pretty much nailed it. That's a lot to take in as a teenager. Even more when hoping that the Navy doesn't see that information when trying to get in. They did not; I got in.
I have always been the class clown. I have always been able to find the bright side of every dark situation, even when that bright side is even dark in itself (I responded to a coworker asking why Robin would have killed himself by saying that he heard that Michael Bay was going to reboot Mork and Mindy). So for Robin; one of the funniest people ever to have done something so desperate; I understood. I hide who I am and how I feel in my humor.
So I understood how the biggest clown ever decided that there was nothing left to keep himself going. I can no longer count the times that I have contemplated or come close to attempting to end my own life in the last thirty years. Many times I have thought that everything would be easier if I wasn't around; not just for me, but everyone I know. But then I also think about how my actions would negatively affect them. Remember when evaluations said I would rather harm myself than others? Well, sometimes I've thought how that action would hurt others.
I'm not saying that this is what Robin did, or what he was thinking; just that I understand. Along with my suicidal thoughts, I suffer from depression. For twenty years, I self medicated myself with this infliction. Medication that ranged from writing to drinking to emotionless sex to other forms of self-destruction. The difference between myself now and a decade ago is that up until a decade ago I wanted to die, and now- I'm ready to die. Don't read too much into that. It's just that I'm at a point in my life where I feel I have lived a full life and I wouldn't regret anything if something happened where I died tonight.
The reality is, Robin's actions have brought a lot of speculation to light; and most of that is unhelpful. People have stated that antidepressants lead to suicide and should be outlawed to prevent people like Robin from killing themselves (even though we don't know if Robin took antidepressants, and because people don't understand why that is the case [It's because severely depressed people aren't motivated enough to take their own lives, but the primary thing antidepressants do is boost motivation; causing people originally not willing to do anything to actually do something.]). Others have speculated his debt, his most current admission to rehab, or even a recent diagnosis of Parkinson's as the reason for his death. Again -- Only he knows, and he failed to leave a note. Honestly though, I have written enough suicide notes to know that they tend to have no useful information. Lots of misdirection, excuses, and answers that those reading it wanted. Basically, suicide notes are like daily astrology prediction -- they tell us what we want them to.
People believe that suicide is a form of weakness; that suffering from depression is a form of strength. I firmly believe that one is without the other. Either you see depressed people as weak or those that commit suicide as strong. Me, personally, I don't see either as one or the other. I've suffered from depression, I have been dangerously close to committing suicide many, many times. I have seen myself as weak and strong, depending how I felt the outcome was and how I truly felt at the time. I still debate at whether any of those times would have been best for me and everyone, but where I am at is how everything is now; so instead, I deal with that instead.
There was a point in my life, from seventeen on, that I openly discussed with people the perfect suicide. Painless, quick, not messy, didn't require much planning, needed to be 100% sure of success. Those were my requirements. It was seen by many as a humorous mental exercise of hypothetical and unrealistic expectations. I mean, really, can you think of a form of suicide that fits all these qualifications? 45-caliber brain surgery -- painless, quick, but messy, requires planning, and a chance of unsuccessful results in brain damage. Jumping off a building -- painless, but not quick, requires planning, and unsuccessful results could lead to a life or paralysis. Slitting one's wrists -- minimal planning but painful, not quick, and not 100% successful. Hanging myself -- completely wrong; planning required, painful, not quick, and not 100% effective. Overdose -- minimal planning and painless, but not quick and not 100% successful. Heck, every form I could ever think of had a drawback that made it not the choice I wanted. I eventually became partial to the idea of hanging upside down until the blood pressure in my head caused it to explode -- minimal planning and painless, but messy as heck and over that last twenty years I have debated whether this is even a realistic outcome.
All I know is at this point in my life, I no longer plan on killing myself. I still have days where I want to be dead, but it's as a result of something else. I no longer want to take my own life. I'm pretty sure I never will; whether it's because I am weak and cannot or am strong and will not is debatable. For Robin to take his own life, it was his decision and he is neither strong or weak for doing it. We all mourn his decision because we all will miss out on how he made us all laugh. We are all selfish for wishing he had been "stronger" a little bit longer so we could still enjoy him, and we pity him for being so weak for taking the easy way out. Let me make it perfectly clear... suicide is not an easy way out. It's a really big decision, and anyone that thinks it is easy has never experienced it. Has never had a gun, knife, pills, or even a bottle of something that was their salvation, but yet their biggest struggle. I'm a sucker for the "what if". The "what if" is always why I have never been able to take my own life. Again, looking back - I am completely satisfied with my life and feel quite fulfilled. I have accomplished and done so much in the 42 years on this earth. Granted, I only have 328 Facebook friends and 128 Twitter followers that "may" care if I no longer exist tomorrow, but from a selfish point-of-view, I'm okay with that.
In that last decade I have "matured" to the point that I wish nothing but the best for anyone. No matter what they have done to me in the past or what I have done to them. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy as long as it's not at the expense of others. I don't know why Robin took his own life; neither do you, neither do they. Only Robin knows; but we do need to know that people out there are depressed, hide their depression behind humor, and may make a decision that those that have never experienced it will never understand.
Many of us were entertained by Robin's unique humor, and many of us were saddened by his decision to end his suffering, but I understand. I hope I have helped you understand too.
Friday, February 28, 2014
SB 1062 - Exercise of Religion
They say that if you want people to read something you wrote, you have to open with a hook. So, pretending that this and the previous sentence doesn't exist, here's my opening statement.
I completely disagree with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's decision and actions related to SB 1062.
Yep. That has to be one of the most brilliant things I have ever said; right behind, "I, Christopher Hipsman, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me [my] God." And I said that one twice.
This statement has nothing to do with whether you are for or against this bill. Has nothing to do with your understanding of this bill. Nothing to do with the fact that an overwhelming majority of people that have anything to say about this bill haven't taken the time to read all one page and a half of it. It has nothing to do with the fact that the bill amounts to nothing more than an amendment to an original law that, while not ever stated in said law, allowed native American tribes-people to smoke 'em peace pipes.
My statement is based on this. Jan Brewer, regardless of my opinion about her, was put into a position that she didn't need to be in. It is my opinion, that, instead of vetoing and killing this bill, she should have sent it back to be revoted on. Just basically say, "I'll entertain the idea of doing something about this if you can pass it again." This is a don't-give-a-shit governor in a state that also appears to not give a shit. Whether she could send it back for a revote rather than pass or veto is something I'm not sure is allowed, but I think she should have done it. She should have done that because people who were for the bill disagree with what she did and people who were against the bill think she did what she did because of the pressure and negative attention the bill was getting.
Nope, she should have sent this bill back to be voted on again. A bill overwhelmingly passed in a dominantly Republican State Senate. A bill that, once negative connotation was applied to it, no one could find any of these representative that voted for it that would stand by or explain their decision. A bill that 80% of registered Republican votes that were asked were against it. All of that, in a nut shell, is that a group of representatives created and passed something that an overwhelming majority of the people they represent were against. That situation should not rest on a Governor to make it right. It also is the most perfect example of everything wrong with government, but I digress.
If not for the simple fact that I am completely curious how that bill would fair in a revote. That's the main reason I want it. I want to see these spineless 'tards vote 'nay' on something only weeks earlier they we all 'this is single-handedly the most important thing facing the individuals we represent in the great state of Arizona. We're 36th out of 50 in state education rankings, but protecting the individual religious rights is one of the most important thing right now. We should pass a law will prevent future laws that would prohibit the free exercise of religious beliefs.' Oh good, Arizona is back to passing laws that are already covered at the federal level or are the basis of all American forms of government.
It seems Arizona has become the New Mexico of state laws as in controversial laws are tested in this desert to see what the fall out effects will be. SB 1070 passed and a slew of other states completed their waiting versions of it. SB 1062 fails and states openly decide they will hold off on their versions. Yep, a test bed for stupid laws that ends up putting our Governor in a position to rule on them. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she lives for that kind of power, and I honestly believe she would have passed SB 1062 if it wasn't misunderstood and caused such a firestorm. Instead, she cites that the Senate should be working on a budget and coming up with a solution for her decision to get rid of Child Protective Services. I agree, those were more important, and this whole 'protecting business owners from discriminating against the nontraditional sexual activities community under the guise of religious beliefs' should have been tucked deep into a bill that made it an law that all child molesters should be executed in a fashion not limited to being tied to a stake in a pit of scorpions located in the middle of the desert. I mean, who's not going to pass that law?
I completely disagree with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's decision and actions related to SB 1062.
Yep. That has to be one of the most brilliant things I have ever said; right behind, "I, Christopher Hipsman, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me [my] God." And I said that one twice.
This statement has nothing to do with whether you are for or against this bill. Has nothing to do with your understanding of this bill. Nothing to do with the fact that an overwhelming majority of people that have anything to say about this bill haven't taken the time to read all one page and a half of it. It has nothing to do with the fact that the bill amounts to nothing more than an amendment to an original law that, while not ever stated in said law, allowed native American tribes-people to smoke 'em peace pipes.
My statement is based on this. Jan Brewer, regardless of my opinion about her, was put into a position that she didn't need to be in. It is my opinion, that, instead of vetoing and killing this bill, she should have sent it back to be revoted on. Just basically say, "I'll entertain the idea of doing something about this if you can pass it again." This is a don't-give-a-shit governor in a state that also appears to not give a shit. Whether she could send it back for a revote rather than pass or veto is something I'm not sure is allowed, but I think she should have done it. She should have done that because people who were for the bill disagree with what she did and people who were against the bill think she did what she did because of the pressure and negative attention the bill was getting.
Nope, she should have sent this bill back to be voted on again. A bill overwhelmingly passed in a dominantly Republican State Senate. A bill that, once negative connotation was applied to it, no one could find any of these representative that voted for it that would stand by or explain their decision. A bill that 80% of registered Republican votes that were asked were against it. All of that, in a nut shell, is that a group of representatives created and passed something that an overwhelming majority of the people they represent were against. That situation should not rest on a Governor to make it right. It also is the most perfect example of everything wrong with government, but I digress.
If not for the simple fact that I am completely curious how that bill would fair in a revote. That's the main reason I want it. I want to see these spineless 'tards vote 'nay' on something only weeks earlier they we all 'this is single-handedly the most important thing facing the individuals we represent in the great state of Arizona. We're 36th out of 50 in state education rankings, but protecting the individual religious rights is one of the most important thing right now. We should pass a law will prevent future laws that would prohibit the free exercise of religious beliefs.' Oh good, Arizona is back to passing laws that are already covered at the federal level or are the basis of all American forms of government.
It seems Arizona has become the New Mexico of state laws as in controversial laws are tested in this desert to see what the fall out effects will be. SB 1070 passed and a slew of other states completed their waiting versions of it. SB 1062 fails and states openly decide they will hold off on their versions. Yep, a test bed for stupid laws that ends up putting our Governor in a position to rule on them. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she lives for that kind of power, and I honestly believe she would have passed SB 1062 if it wasn't misunderstood and caused such a firestorm. Instead, she cites that the Senate should be working on a budget and coming up with a solution for her decision to get rid of Child Protective Services. I agree, those were more important, and this whole 'protecting business owners from discriminating against the nontraditional sexual activities community under the guise of religious beliefs' should have been tucked deep into a bill that made it an law that all child molesters should be executed in a fashion not limited to being tied to a stake in a pit of scorpions located in the middle of the desert. I mean, who's not going to pass that law?
Friday, November 8, 2013
Procrastination, My Old Friend
I haven't posted one of these since July. Sadly, I do have three unfinished attempts. It is a harsh reality. I love to write. I love to share my ideas. But more than that, I love to do nothing else. There's a lot in my life I wish I did more of. Unfortunately, I have every excuse in the world to why I haven't done any of them.
I am an Aquarian. Among all the stereotypical traits an Aquarian has, I also have the inability to complete anything. I'm an idea guy. I have so many great ideas and so much to share, but I just find every reason to not do it. I try to fix that, but all those efforts end is reason to not to complete them also. I have thought of finishing the three previous attempts to post something to this blog, but while I still think the view expressed in them (or would be expressed) are still valid; the time has past and they are no longer topical.
It's not just this blog. Ten months ago I embarked on a new chapter in my life. I knew it would be hard work, and I knew that I would be required to work beyond the hours I am at the office. I can blame it on the robbery in June of why it's taken me so long to get into that groove again, but the truth is - I would rather do nothing. I'm falling behind. I haven't actually counted, but I have probably eleven projects, where four have deadlines in the next couple weeks, two have past deadlines where I wish I had done better on, and another two that'll probably rear their ugly heads next week.
There have been time in my life that I have come to these points where I have to make an effort to better myself, and this time the focus is being more effective. Effective. A word that has different meanings depending on where you stand in relation of the "effective" person. My family's view of effective-me is different than my work's version of me, but this journey will be based on my internal definition of effective.
So along with spending more time trying to stay a head of the curve at work (at least until I can get that +1 we need to complete our complement), I also plan to devote time to this blog, and actually, probably complete those "novels" I started almost two decades ago. Shit, between Anne Rice and that Twilight abortion, the three vampyre stories I had started would have been a staple in the genre. Heck, I might have prevented that Twilight thing. Anyway, I digress.... Yes, I hope to try really hard to not come up with excuses to not do things, but I also know I'm really good at convincing myself that it's not that important.
So stay tuned. Or maybe expect to be disappointed. I guess will find out together.
I am an Aquarian. Among all the stereotypical traits an Aquarian has, I also have the inability to complete anything. I'm an idea guy. I have so many great ideas and so much to share, but I just find every reason to not do it. I try to fix that, but all those efforts end is reason to not to complete them also. I have thought of finishing the three previous attempts to post something to this blog, but while I still think the view expressed in them (or would be expressed) are still valid; the time has past and they are no longer topical.
It's not just this blog. Ten months ago I embarked on a new chapter in my life. I knew it would be hard work, and I knew that I would be required to work beyond the hours I am at the office. I can blame it on the robbery in June of why it's taken me so long to get into that groove again, but the truth is - I would rather do nothing. I'm falling behind. I haven't actually counted, but I have probably eleven projects, where four have deadlines in the next couple weeks, two have past deadlines where I wish I had done better on, and another two that'll probably rear their ugly heads next week.
There have been time in my life that I have come to these points where I have to make an effort to better myself, and this time the focus is being more effective. Effective. A word that has different meanings depending on where you stand in relation of the "effective" person. My family's view of effective-me is different than my work's version of me, but this journey will be based on my internal definition of effective.
So along with spending more time trying to stay a head of the curve at work (at least until I can get that +1 we need to complete our complement), I also plan to devote time to this blog, and actually, probably complete those "novels" I started almost two decades ago. Shit, between Anne Rice and that Twilight abortion, the three vampyre stories I had started would have been a staple in the genre. Heck, I might have prevented that Twilight thing. Anyway, I digress.... Yes, I hope to try really hard to not come up with excuses to not do things, but I also know I'm really good at convincing myself that it's not that important.
So stay tuned. Or maybe expect to be disappointed. I guess will find out together.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
This could have been me
Not to be all band wagony with the Treyvon Martin thing, but Cory Monteith - that could have been me.
I get it. I'm a maybe jerk. All these men of color, one being the President, trying to put themselves in the shoes of an isolated tragedy, and here I am being a jerk about a successful singer/actor that died in a tragic, yet cliché way.
Granted, a lot of successful Caucasian individuals have died as a result of overindulgence. Sadly, a lot of African-Americans die as the result of gun violence. Honestly, though, it's a reality. Both instances really. Whether you're white or black, the most common ways of death shouldn't be the basis of you trying to parallel your ability to survive with another individual's ability to not.
Cory was thirty or thirty-one (I don't feel like looking up his birthday), and I can fully say, whether I compare me to him out anyone else famous, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Between twenty-one and thirty-one, I drank a lot. I may have slowed down somewhere around twenty-five, but I still had moments where I tried to drink to the point of oblivion. Yes, yes, I still do that once in a blue blue moon, but only at home (a secure place) and only when nothing is expected of me for the next couple days (I'm old and my recovery time is longer now).
Bit still. In my naval youth, I drank a lot. Seriously. A lot. There were times when I wouldn't eat because that was money I could have spent on alcohol, and food would have taken up precious space in my stomach I could use for alcohol processing. These were actual thoughts I used to have.
After my first divorce, which was when I was twenty-one, I made myself promise three things - no one-night stands, no sex when drunk, and no fat chicks. I broke all of those and one I didn't think I had to make (no sex while listening to Ren & Stimpy's Happy Happy Joy Joy song). I vaguely recall having sex on the floor of the vending machine room in as hotel once. Another time in the alley of an AM-PM.
After my second divorce, there was a lot if self-destruction attempted. A lot. Granted, my device was alcohol, not something as hard as Cory, Heath, or Curt was using, bit still could have turned out the same. Jim Morrison - that could have been me.
However, for me - practically a nobody in the public eye, to compare myself to Cory and his tragic death if about add narcissistic as the President comparing himself to Treyvon's death. Until his death, he was practically a nobody in the public eye. Now a famous person tries to convince you there's a huge problem by trying to echo themselves into an isolated tragedy.
Shot, me too. I know many fellow squids that drank their weight in tequila, ales, or rum and are alive today by some miraculous hand of fate. Heck, there are times I've woken up wondering how I got into my bed and hoped to heck I didn't kill anyone on the way home. Call it God, call it luck - but understand, I had it and those mentioned so fast didn't.
By a weird coincidence, my mom died twenty-seven years ago. At the time, I believe God took her because what she had to offer to us was at a conclusion. After all this time, I'm not so sure. I think many of our lives could have been less challenging if she was still around to guide us. I also know that who I am today couldn't exist any other way.
Treyvon and Cory are tragedies, but they're isolated. To make sense of the death of two people that have zero impact on your lives is only asking for madness. Heck, the one person that mattered to me, to rationalize her death almost brought me to an end. Yes, they could have been me; she could have been me; but they/she aren't/isn't. I'm me. You're you. He's him, and she's she. Our lives ate independent, and to make sense of the randomness is just along for trouble.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
A Jury Of One's Own Peers
"Our justice system has failed us. It is broken." Not since Casey Anthony have so many people with so little information been so strongly devoted to a belief, except that this time, race will be involved. Any why not? We're an evolved society. Why can't we keep invoking outdated ideals to explain injustice?
Because we're an evolved society, but we're pretty ignorant.
Those that feel that the Zimmerman acquittal is an injustice are ignorant. Those that believe the verdict was correct are ignorant. Those that report and share their opinions on this whole case are ignorant. That last one applies to all. Whether you get your news from Fox or CNN or even your own local affiliate, their reports are ignorant. And for those of you upset with me for calling you ignorant, because I actually did, your ignorance is only due to a lack of knowledge.
As am I.
Two people, who were each correct in their actions at the beginning of this event, made two bad decisions at some point during this event that eventually turned horribly wrong. In the whole history on man's existence, only two people know for sure what happened that night. One of them cannot speak for himself and the other we have but his word. Every other telling of this event is a guess at best. Yes, there were witnesses that saw or heard different parts of this event, but not one complete telling. There are witnesses not used by both the prosecution and defense that have their versions. They may not have used their testimony during the trial for one reason or another, but the Court of Public Opinion sure did.
I, like you, didn't sit through the trial and hear all the testimony. I didn't review all the physical evidence. I wasn't present during the sidebar and chamber conversations. I also wasn't with the jury when they deliberated. I saw bits and pieces of the coverage, and I sometimes caught recaps laced with opinions of the day's testimony. I, like you should, willing admit I am ignorant enough on this case to be unable to make a decision on this individual's guilt or innocence. And that's good, because that's how the justice system isn't broken.
No. The perception that it is broken is a result of the Court of Public Opinion. A Court that presents all information related to a case, regardless of validity, accuracy, and relevance. A Court that presents information based on their conclusions. A Court of millions upon millions jurors that simply want to fed key points and told what to believe. Fox during this would present that it wasn't about race and Zimmerman was just doing his job. CNN would convince you that we live in a society that black kids everywhere cannot walk in their own neighborhoods without being gunned down by racist vigilantes. Nancy Grace - well she was Nancy Grace; dismissing valid facts and opinions for either side for her one-woman crusade to pull the switch herself and then write a book about it.
Even if you didn't watch the news related to this case, you were still fed the biased-information. The Court of Public Opinion has branched out into the social media-sphere to even include an Appellate process that dismisses the established justice system's result. "Our justice system has failed us. It is broken."
But it isn't broken. It just doesn't align with the Public Opinion Courts.
There was little, if any, physical evidence that would convict Zimmerman. Remember how long it took to put him into custody and charge him? They cannot just do that because the public demands that they do it. Although that's pretty much what happened. "Well, we have him is custody and we charged him. I guess we need to sift through all this no-proof for a case." And they tried. You can claim that the Prosecution did a horrible job presenting their case and that's why Zimmerman got off. It's an even easier claim when you watched the Defense in action.
A knock-knock joke as an opening statement? And you won the case? I can see how people got pissed with the result.
Nope. Neither side should be able to claim victory with this trial. Just like the events of that night because result of two people independently making bad decisions (Zimmerman for getting out of his truck and Martin for circling around), this trial was the result of the Court of Public Opinion demanding justice. Unfortunately, opinion based of biased information can vary drastically compared to the decision of a jury after being presented with evidence agreed by both side as valid and pertaining to the case. A jury that is expected to enter into their seeing Zimmerman as an innocent individual. Remember that "innocent until proven guilty" snag our broken justice system has? This is where it applies.
Because of this, the Prosecution has what's called the Burden of Proof. They have to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the defendant is guilty of the charges brought against them. That can sometimes be a difficult task, especially if your proof includes eyewitness testimony of something that happened on a rainy night hundreds of yards away or while talking on the phone. Heck, people can't drive and talk on the phone and these guys have to prove that these people can talk and recall accurately a crime happening in front of them.
Which bring us to the less-daunting task before the Defense - reasonable doubt. That's it. Prosecution presents their proof and these guys try to get you to dismiss it, or at the very least - question it validity. Watch one of the Prosecution's witness testimony and ask yourself if you believe what they are saying the 100% accurate. Not that they're a liar, per se, but that their account is not 100% accurate. Now watch the Defense question their testimony, question their story, question any variants, question how they could come to that conclusion. The answers to these questions begin to create doubt about this witness's testimony. The Defense can even go so far as to suggest alternatives to the Prosecution's presentation of events, casting doubt of their whole case. They can do all of this without requiring their client to testify themselves, which happened here. They believed that they did such a great job in casting doubt on all of the Prosecution's evidence that they didn't even need their client to testify; which is good for them because the Prosecution would them be able to ask him questions, and that could go bad.
Nope. The jury went off to deliberate with specific instructions to weigh all the presented evidence and come back with a verdict. As the Defense hammered home in their closing arguments, a verdict of guilty beyond a reasonable doubt or acquittal on the charge of 2nd Degree Murder (not premeditated murder). Unlike the Court of Public Opinion, Zimmerman when into that trial an innocent man, and after all the proof was presented, left an innocent man. Why? Because the system couldn't prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that he was guilty.
And that's for 2nd Degree Murder. Not Involuntary Manslaughter. They can only charge him with what they thought they could win. Also, remember, murder can get a life sentence and that's what people wanted; manslaughter, not so much.
I just don't believe that many of these criminal cases need the media attention that they get. I think this during all these coverages. The Tucson shooter, the Aurora shooter, that Arias chick, the Boston bomber - I really don't care about these people. If their trials end in a conviction or acquittal then so be it. I firmly believe the system isn't broken. It works as designed. Is it 100% accurate? Nope. Is that bad. Depends who you are. If you're a guilty defendant and you get off, I'm sure you're happy. If you're the victim, you'll probably be upset. If you're anyone else, consider how you're truly impacted before galloping off on a crusade to change everything about our justice system.
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