I'm borrowing the title from an old old post on my website (A New Year Full of New . . . Blah Blah Blah), to which, while almost eleven years ago, is eerily echoing now. In it I had talked about my complete failure to complete any of the resolutions from the year before (all still very valid targets I should maybe consider trying to resolve this year), and I had talked about how much my life had changed in the five years since the world was supposed to end. I also talked about letting go of the past.
Letting go of the past and the changes in my life -- I'm sensing a pattern. As Santayana once said, "Those that cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Which is weird because I never forgot, and I felt I had actually taken what I learned and applied it this time. Twelve years compared to four I think is a form of success. However, here I am repeating myself - again.
I won't lie. It's been a tough year for me. Everything I ever faced the last time came rushing back - all the emotions, all the thoughts, all the instinctive actions. I managed to recognize the actions for what they were, and have made the decision that I will not be replacing what I lost with something shiny and new (well, new to me). While I've been on this decided path for many months now, I fully plan to continue my solo journey in the upcoming year; more so in a few months when my earlier plan to live alone is finally realized (since meddlers can no longer meddle).
The emotions and thoughts: those I still struggle with, I always will. I fully believe that without my cat or my daughter, there's a good chance I wouldn't be here to post these thoughts. The emotions are what they are; I don't plan to change them because they are legitimate and getting rid of them might mean replacing them via someone that makes me feel differently, and I'm not ready to start down that mistake-path again quite yet. The thoughts though, while they are what they are, will always be with me. They've been with me for over thirty years; and while I'll claim that acting on them would sadden my cat or daughter, I really have no true intentions to follow through for completely different reasons. It's not the small number of people that would be sad but all the people that wouldn't care is why I'm still with y'all today.
But yea, looking back, this is about the time last year when everything should have been a little clearer. It is what it is, and while the devolution of the relationship has progressed, it still is what it is. I don't plan to dwell on whether events over the past year that have hurt me were intentional; if I've learned anything this last year it's that I don't think people consider me when they say or do things. No, they all did and said things that benefited them. I don't blame them or hold ill will - it is what it is. So, I do need to truly focus on me and healing, if that's the right word.
So to help me in this "healing" process, I think I will again repeat my actions from early in the year; when I disappeared for a while. I won't fully shut down my Facebook this time around, but I will be logging out for a long while sometime this week. I'll still be connected through Google+, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat; but only because they are a different experience for me. I have friends on each of them (some of those friends are reading this), but not the flurry of activity that Facebook is.
It is that flurry that I think I need to take a break from. I get melancholy when I sift through all the inspirational, religious, political and humorous pictures; or all the baiting statements that result in people asking for more information that never comes because it's just a ploy for attention. And, shit, I'm just as guilty of those too, except that I respond to my attention-grabs. No, it's all just noise; and with the election coming up this year, I don't think I could take anymore incorrect information from that genre along with all the others. I realize now I've spent the last year going to Facebook looking for a version of companionship, and that seems to go against my plan to not replace what I've lost.
So, there will be this post to Facebook, and that might be about it. I know that I probably won't be doing anything for NYE that doesn't involve hanging out with the kids or being alone, and I think I might abstain from sharing what I'm doing regardless this year; so yea... this might be it for Tofer posts on the Facebook for 2015. I'll also be here on Blogger, hopefully more often and more positive in nature. I'm also here in real life, so if you truly want to get a hold of me, you either already know how or will be able to figure it out.
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