Again... To be clear... I really have little desire to start a new relationship with anyone.
Looking back, a large portion of my life has been in the elusive search for the one; and if I wasn't looking, it was because I was with someone I thought was that person. So granted, I haven't been spending the last twelve or so years looking for that person because - well, that should be obvious.
Anyway, wrong again; and that, along with the honest fact that I'm mostly surprised I'm still alive, makes me not desire starting over again. I say this because there was a moment where I reconnected with a childhood friend, and allowed myself to get excited about the possibility of-- well, let's just say I have spent most of my life convincing myself that I don't deserve to be with her. There were timing issues, sure, but more the most part, I would stifle any hope of being more than just friends because my self-esteem is juts low enough to think that she doesn't think of me that way.
Fast-forward a couple/few decades and rewind at least nine months, and we're at that point where my current marriage has been removed from life support and I reconnect with old friends. She's a good friend. A very good friend. She's one of those friends that I love will all me being, and have loved for a very very long time; but like an admirative love. Like the grown up version of being friend-zoned, even though we never came close to exploring the possibility of either of us being in a friend zone.
So, yea, we reconnected a friends and discussed adult things. I mean, we're clearly not the second to ninth graders we once were, but all that stifled childhood crushing did make a home in my psyche. I don't want to start a new relationship, but she's not new, is she? She's life-long. But there I go, justifying things. "This one is the one because all the other ones were parts of her and I see now she is the one." I really need to make sure I do not do that again.
Oh, but still -- what if? Not only can I not start anything right now, but I have to stop what ifing. I've always what ifed myself into every relationship. I mean, I've done that with her. We've even discussed it. Well, not discussed, per se. She doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to entertain the idea. See, I'm not the only one that has been unsuccessful in relationships, and that is something I've been aware of when I realized that I'm getting ready to be single again at my age. If I had new relationship, I would want what I thought I found -- which is all I really want. A friend to grow old with.
I told her that I could see myself growing old with her. She told me to stop talking. The funny thing is, the idea of being together is not being entertained because "what if" it ended? What would happen to the friendship we've had our whole lives? She's right, but she's also created the quintessential definition of irony. There's this possibility that we could be happy together for the rest of our lives, but there's also a possibility that we will be miserable apart after that fails. The irony is that we are basically miserable apart in an effort to not be miserable if being happy doesn't work out. Well, I'm miserable; she might be okay. Or maybe she's not. I don't know, we don't talk too much about that kind of stuff. I'm assuming that's because we're avoiding the possibility of being happy that might be unhappy.
But I end with this nugget where I state again - I have little desire to start a new relationship with anyone. I mean, I truly do miss the intimacy of another person nearby, but I struggle with separation between physical and emotional attachments. And because of that, I don't want to start anything new. I guess I basically just want her, even though I know that's not something I can have, and therefore all I want because I want nothing. I'm not drunk, this is truly what's going on in this mind. There's this awesome person that I want to be with that I cannot be with because we are afraid our failure would hurt us more than we do now, and therefore claim I want nothing because I know I cannot have the one thing I want.
Here's hoping she never calls my bluff.
No comments:
Post a Comment