I've tried doing a couple updates since the last one. The last attempt was while I was on my stationary bike, and clicking done when I was finished somehow made everything go away. Like I hadn't done anything. It was very fitting.
I'm starting my third month at my new place. Still have about four boxes of stuff (my nerd stuff) and two shelves to put up. Oh, and some pictures. Make it more homey. Welcoming. You know, for that no one that's coming over. Besides my kids and their mom when she drops them off. Oh, and next week when I'm out of town; they'll be by to feed Waffles.
Anyway, third month, and no real change in my life. There was a "this day in Facebook history" pay from a couple years back about happiness. At the time that I shared it, I was happy in my life. I love being home with my family. I loved being at work doing things I enjoy. It was a happy life, and everything on that list was a reason.
Then a year later my life changed and I guess I forgot about that list. I looked it over today, and damned if I haven't failed at so much of it. One of the items was "if I just wait for this to happen, I'll be happy." That's been this idiot for the last year. The last milestone was moving in here, but here I am moved in and I still feel the same.
Even now, I'm looking forward to next weekend because I'll have the chance to just be alone. I don't like the being alone. If given enough time to think about stuff, well obsess actually, I'll spend midday of my time extremely sad work no one to talk to. I like when the kids are here, but they don't care, nor do they need to know, what's going on in my life.
I miss having that friend that just listens and maybe offers an encouraging word about how I can do it. I have no one doing that anymore. No encouragement for work. No encouragement for exercising. No encouragement to be a better me. Just me coming home to the life I have now and remembering that I'm all there is anymore. A combination of if I want my life better, I have to do it by myself; and unless I male my life better, no one will want to be a part of it. Heck, I don't even want to be a part of it.
So, I'm trying. Remembering that list will help. I must definitely stop living in the past. Complaining about it won't change it, and neither will wishing things went differently. I must also remember that waiting for the next thing won't make things better.
Granted, next week I'm in Vegas and the weekend is a me weekend. So I've already deemed the week a mix of good and bad, and the weekend a welcome solitude odd despair. I'm also already counting until the end of the month, because June should be my last financially strained month. Yes, these are milestones that might be attached to happiness, but two things. I already had these feelings about these milestones before remembering the last, and I accept the futility of milestones.
Heck, one of my obsessions of the past I need to let go had milestones attached to happiness; and the end of this month will be a year since I've seen them, so clearly milestones don't work. You'll always just have that one more thing to do.
Truth be told, I'm wicked lonely. While I do miss the intimacy of another individual, I truly feel I'm so far past that that I really just want someone to pal around with. I miss my weekly breakfasts. I'd love to have that kind of friend again. The ones I've asked always say no, either because we're out of sync on having our own kids or because something. When I used to be asked, what's the worst she could say? No is a pretty devastating thing she could say. For me nowadays it is. I sit and obsess about why she said no; of its not kid related.
Granted, I've seen me naked in the mirror recently. Hephaestus was a Greek god, but no woman is at home alone fantasizing about this body. I'm a consolation prize. At least that's how I feel. And to fix me so a woman would want me does go against my goal. I have to fix me for me. Although, sometimes I have just accepted me. Accepted that I'll just be alone if I stay this way, and then I work on being content with being alone.
I lie to myself a lot.
No comments:
Post a Comment