Truth be told, I may be lonely at times, but I'm content with my life. Probably too content, it would seem. Last Thursday, my son decided he din't want to come over and spend the night. I was chatting with my daughter earlier today and she reminded me that she's at camp this week, so it'll just be the boy coming over; although he told her that he doesn't want to. I think that might be my fault.
When he comes over, he switches between devices that play YouTube while he's here and essentially just watches that all day. Sometimes all night. It bothers me. It bothers me that all of his potential creative energy is spent watching people play video games. He even asks me to buy some of these games for him, and I've gotten to the point that I say no because it does truly become wasted money. Heck, I don't buy myself as many video games as I used to because I don't often get around to playing them. In his case, he plays them long enough to discover that they are challenging and then gives up; often going back to watching people play those games on YouTube. The last game purchase I made for him was MineCraft and other than when he plays the PS3/PS4 version I have, I really don't see him playing it.
So, last week I told him that when he comes over next, he would need to bring a book because he cannot just sit a watch YouTube all day. Then the next time he didn't come over. I really try connecting with him, but I think he doesn't think I like him. So that's been on my mind a lot.
The daughter also watches YouTube a lot, but she tries to share the videos with me. She understands that I don't like watching people play games, but she tries to share her likes with me. Her difference is that she does play MineCraft and she does her drawings. She gets into the challenging aspect of video games and she loves creating things. However, she does not like reading; except for the Percy Jackson story she started a while back. I know the boy likes to create, but it always seems to be a task for him.
What does that have to do with me being boring? Well, since the beginning of the breakup, I always felt obligated to take them somewhere and do stuff. Unfortunately, that costs money, and I'm still struggling to get financially back into control. So, on the days and weekends that I have them, we don't often (maybe too often) go anywhere because I really can't afford it. So we stay here, and I guess all there really is to do when being here is to sit in another room and look at a screen.
Truthfully, it bothers me to the point that I'm actually less sad when they're not here because at least I'm truly alone instead of being ignored. So, I'm back to bemoaning about being lonely instead of counting my blessings that I'm no longer with someone that doesn't want to be with me.
Huh, it seems that might be the root of the problem here. Near the end of the marriage, I was sad with the horrible thought the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was doing everything in her power to not be around me. And then the revelation that was the case, and I was extremely saddened by that fact. And as you know, I couldn't do the loveless marriage thing because I just cannot be around someone that doesn't want to around me. So, I guess it makes me sad that my son shares the same feelings for me that his mother does. Even more so, they're not the only ones. I'm not willing to get into here right now, but there has been further realization that while I'm miserable being alone, spending time with someone that doesn't want to be with me is pretty devastating.
And so, maybe there is something wrong with me. I mean, each of these people I'm thinking about want to be with me for a reason, but for the most part they don't want to be with me.
It seems I'm the common denominator here. I guess I'm the broken one here, or I want people in my life that don't want me. Truth be told, I'm content with my life, so I guess I'll just be lonely.
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