When It Rains...

I appear to be having lots of experiences where I think I have everything stabilized,  but I'm not even fucking close.  Like proper fucked not close.  I'm not going to get into it here; not because no body is reading these, but because I don't want to increase the negativity.  Without someone proper to vent to, I'm just quickly turning to here to get it out of my head before I start over obsessing.  I can't do anything about it right now; and by the time I can do anything, there's little I can do to correct for this.  So, I'm just doing this to put it out of my mind.
But I will remark on how the relationship before made me quite cautious to share anything; and after it looked like the last one wouldn't end that badly, I thought there'd be no harm in sharing.  Well, folks; I was both painfully right and horribly wrong.  I'd vow that I won't make this mistake next time, but after my walk tonight I realized something far greater.  I may be alone and miserable without someone in my life right now, but if I do stick to plan and wait until my life is stable (in maybe six months) before I make myself available to date again... why the fuck would I do that?
I mean, my perception of stability is living within my means, being more physically active, and discovering or developing positive activities to fill my time.  If I can successfully do all of that, why would I break that up with someone that obviously is going to be temporary?  Yea, that thing above that I won't expand on has ended any desire I have to be with anyone.  It's exhausting and I don't feel like starting over again after that one fails.  No matter how long it lasts... this is not worth it.

Joie de vivre

So, it's been a while since my last post; I admit.  It's been a better month honestly.  I mean, comparatively.  Well, within context.
So like my last post was about why people don't want to be around me.  On that topic and involving the kids, I think we've made some progress.  If anything, there's some acceptance of that's how we are with each other, but that they do like hanging out with me.  I still think there's a level of "we can watch YouTube at Dad's" still there, but we're making progress.
Before that I posted a rediscovery about things one needs to stop doing if they want to be happy.  That too I have made some progress on.  I discovered that in my isolation I would turn to Facebook to find happiness, and that was actually making me sadder.  And all the drama within my news feed (as in what I saw others posting) fed into that as well.  So I cut myself off from Facebook.  That helped.  Unfortunately, I realized I replaced it with Instagram as a sought source of happiness, but at least the drama is missing.  But, yeah, I should stop looking for happiness online.
I guess as long as I keep thinking I'm broken I'll keep struggling to "find" happiness.  It's humbling to think that almost fifteen years ago I moved back to Arizona because I had to rediscover what made me happy.  Being here makes me happy.  Truthfully, back then I didn't rediscover what made me happy; I found someone that did.  Come to find out and harshly discover, it isn't healthy that someone is your source of happiness.  Well, not healthy for me.
I cut my hair this weekend, and by cut I mean shaved it.  It's been a while since I donned that style and I've honestly been hesitant to do it the last couple years because people like the way I look that way.  Heck, many have already confirmed it this time around.  So here I am all sexy and younger looking, and I think I'm comfortably done trying to find happiness in someone.  Heck, I'm still catching myself thinking about things that never will be, but I'm getting better.
I'm getting better.
I have another solo weekend this week, and for the first time, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I have no plans and I think I'm okay not having any.  I mean, we'll see, but at the moment, I'm looking forward to it.  I need to go through the clothes I haven't sorted and find my "work out" clothes.  I need to start using that workout room next door.  Maybe make the rest of me as sexy as my head.  No, I actually need to get this lower back thing to calm down and I think being more active might help with that.  Gotta stop sitting around being sad all the time.  Who knows, maybe this could replace my seeking online happiness.  You know, replace one crutch with another.
Until next time.... live life, I guess.

What's wrong with me?

Truth be told, I may be lonely at times, but I'm content with my life.  Probably too content, it would seem.  Last Thursday, my son decided he din't want to come over and spend the night.  I was chatting with my daughter earlier today and she reminded me that she's at camp this week, so it'll just be the boy coming over; although he told her that he doesn't want to.  I think that might be my fault.
When he comes over, he switches between devices that play YouTube while he's here and essentially just watches that all day.  Sometimes all night.  It bothers me.  It bothers me that all of his potential creative energy is spent watching people play video games.  He even asks me to buy some of these games for him, and I've gotten to the point that I say no because it does truly become wasted money.  Heck, I don't buy myself as many video games as I used to because I don't often get around to playing them.  In his case, he plays them long enough to discover that they are challenging and then gives up; often going back to watching people play those games on YouTube.  The last game purchase I made for him was MineCraft and other than when he plays the PS3/PS4 version I have, I really don't see him playing it.
So, last week I told him that when he comes over next, he would need to bring a book because he cannot just sit a watch YouTube all day.  Then the next time he didn't come over.  I really try connecting with him, but I think he doesn't think I like him.  So that's been on my mind a lot.
The daughter also watches YouTube a lot, but she tries to share the videos with me.  She understands that I don't like watching people play games, but she tries to share her likes with me.  Her difference is that she does play MineCraft and she does her drawings.  She gets into the challenging aspect of video games and she loves creating things.  However, she does not like reading; except for the Percy Jackson story she started a while back.  I know the boy likes to create, but it always seems to be a task for him.
What does that have to do with me being boring?  Well, since the beginning of the breakup, I always felt obligated to take them somewhere and do stuff.  Unfortunately, that costs money, and I'm still struggling to get financially back into control.  So, on the days and weekends that I have them, we don't often (maybe too often) go anywhere because I really can't afford it.  So we stay here, and I guess all there really is to do when being here is to sit in another room and look at a screen.
Truthfully, it bothers me to the point that I'm actually less sad when they're not here because at least I'm truly alone instead of being ignored.  So, I'm back to bemoaning about being lonely instead of counting my blessings that I'm no longer with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

Huh, it seems that might be the root of the problem here.  Near the end of the marriage, I was sad with the horrible thought the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was doing everything in her power to not be around me.  And then the revelation that was the case, and I was extremely saddened by that fact.  And as you know, I couldn't do the loveless marriage thing because I just cannot be around someone that doesn't want to around me.  So, I guess it makes me sad that my son shares the same feelings for me that his mother does.  Even more so, they're not the only ones.  I'm not willing to get into here right now, but there has been further realization that while I'm miserable being alone, spending time with someone that doesn't want to be with me is pretty devastating.
And so, maybe there is something wrong with me.  I mean, each of these people I'm thinking about want to be with me for a reason, but for the most part they don't want to be with me.

It seems I'm the common denominator here.  I guess I'm the broken one here, or I want people in my life that don't want me.  Truth be told, I'm content with my life, so I guess I'll just be lonely.

Twenty Things...

So, yesterday I mentioned an old article I read a couple years back.  "20 Things You Need To Stop Doing If You Want To Be Happy" (link).  My Facebook friends might have followed the link I shared there, but (under the assumption anyone I don't know is reading this) I also wanted to include it here.  If anything, for a reference of my dialog below.  You see, I've been a bit obsessive in my thoughts recently, so the rediscovery of this article at this particular time is a welcome thing for me.  The last month has been a bit harder to capture my inner happiness, and has reflected in my anxiety related to what I'm doing - anything I'm doing.  So, for the purposes of this entry, I'm going to list the twenty items and how I need to approach doing each one; or at least accept that I've failed at them.

1. Involving yourself in drama
I thought I was doing well on this one.  Finally moving out and truly being on my own, I reduced so much of the drama in my life.  And while I have in the last couple months been sucked back into extended family drama, I've tried very hard to limit my interaction with the poisonous ones. Unfortunately, I'm noticing that I'm highlighting/creating drama at work. I think I'm expressing my work-frustrations, but I'm really just gossiping and that's not healthy. This last week is realized what I was doing, and am focusing on changing  that this week.

2. Pursuing unrealistic expectations
I feel I've pretty much got this one, although my explanation reeks of low expectations. I've accepted that my life will probably be just me for a while, and I tell myself I'm okay with that. I know that I didn't settle in the last relationship, so I don't want to convince myself I'm not settling in the next one. As a bonus, the relationships I do want I've already deemed unrealistic, so I'm already ahead there.

3. Settling for less than what you really want
And that's the other part above. Work wise, I'm perfect. A bit stressed recently, but I'm sure that might be related to my personal life. I mean, without a friend to talk to at home, I talk to my friends at work. But as you saw with number one above, I don't have anyone to talk to about work. Yes, that was avoidance, damn you. Look, what I really want I can't have, and eventually I'll come to terms with that. Every now and then there's an inkling of hope, but I have to be mindful. Vigilant.

4. Always saying yes
This applies to some situations, and I'm working on it. Work, I always say I can do it. I don't want to let them down. They're are some people in my personal life where that's true too. I worry about coming off as an asshole, so I'm tapering off.

5. Always saying no
Sadly, that's to me. I always deny myself. I convince me to not and then I succeed in not. I have to fix that, but it's so broken.

6. Living in the past
But I was happy in the past, and my present is so pitiful. No, I get it. I'm working on it. Like any bad habit, I'm taking it one day at a time.

7. Comparing yourself to others
I'm so bad at this, especially when scrolling through my Facebook feeds. Happiness and success everywhere, and I have me. It makes me sad, but I know I need to stop. Either with the comparisons or Facebook in general.

8. Criticizing yourself
That'll be hard. Every day this last year has had opportunities to evaluate myself and how I can be better. This might be one of the last things I tackle.

9. Focusing on material possessions
I'm pretty good here. In my life, I've lost more than I ever had, so I never focused so much on that. I have what I need.

10. Putting other people first all the time
Other than my kids, cat and work; I don't really have other people. But I know when I do, I'll need to come back to this and take care of that.

11. Focusing on what you "should" do
I'm sorry, but this entry anyways made me think a young person wrote this. There's things at work and at home I should be doing. Even personal things I should be doing. I never understood of this was related to societal views or actual should items.

12. Attaching false meaning to situations and conversations
I'm very bad at this. So very bad. It is the core of my anxiety when dealing with people. Especially if I think they're not opening up to me. Then not only to I attach things to the conversation, but I'm attaching them to the motivation behind the conversation. It easier to just avoid getting into them, but I should probably keep this one in mind and work on it each time.

13. Waiting for inspiration/motivation/change
Guilty, and I have to stop it. I just have to power through and do what needs to be done. No more excuses.

14. Living in the future
I look forward to the future, mainly because financial planning says I'll start to be successful at that in the future. Facts are facts, and math is math. I have about a month or two until I no longer fret about making ends meet.

15. Falling for the "When I have X, I'll be happy" myth
Oh, yeah. I realized that about a month ago. Right before trying to convince myself that I'll be happy afterthe divorce. No, I need to start working on that happiness now, with what I have.

16. Depending on other people to make you happy
This too happened right along with 15. I can't wait for someone that makes me happy. And I can't wait for a version of me that makes me happy. I just have to jump right in.

17. Focusing on what you don't have, rather than what you do
It seems like it's repeating, but it's just as valid of an entry. Over the last month, I've all but stopped this. Other than finances, I'm working with what I have. Eventually I'll have a bed frame so my mattress isn't on the floor, and I'll have matching bedroom furniture. Eventually I'll have a couch that fits me and my needs. But until then, they are not things to focus on.

18. Focusing on what you're against, rather than what you're for
I wish this was the one thing everyone else did. I say that because I was so poisoned by this election cycle that I realized I was unhappy because of it. All these vile postings against the other side and then attacks when trying to illicit a conversation. It was painful, but it made me realize I shouldn't do it either.

19. Trying to be someone you're not
Seems like a catch 22. Who I'm not is what I want to be. Who I am is someone people don't want to be with, myself included. I'll work on being who I want to be, but I'll make sure I don't again  become someone I'm not.

20. Believing that happiness is a destination
No, but I'm hoping to make it a permanent state. Or at least an often achievable one.

In Case You Care

I've tried doing a couple updates since the last one. The last attempt was while I was on my stationary bike, and clicking done when I was finished somehow made everything go away. Like I hadn't done anything. It was very fitting.
I'm starting my third month at my new place. Still have about four boxes of stuff (my nerd stuff) and two shelves to put up. Oh, and some pictures. Make it more homey. Welcoming. You know, for that no one that's coming over. Besides my kids and their mom when she drops them off. Oh, and next week when I'm out of town; they'll be by to feed Waffles.
Anyway, third month, and no real change in my life. There was a "this day in Facebook history" pay from a couple years back about happiness. At the time that I shared it, I was happy in my life. I love being home with my family. I loved being at work doing things I enjoy. It was a happy life, and everything on that list was a reason.
Then a year later my life changed and I guess I forgot about that list. I looked it over today, and damned if I haven't failed at so much of it. One of the items was "if I just wait for this to happen, I'll be happy." That's been this idiot for the last year. The last milestone was moving in here, but here I am moved in and I still feel the same.
Even now, I'm looking forward to next weekend because I'll have the chance to just be alone. I don't like the being alone. If given enough time to think about stuff, well obsess actually, I'll spend midday of my time extremely sad work no one to talk to. I like when the kids are here, but they don't care, nor do they need to know, what's going on in my life.
I miss having that friend that just listens and maybe offers an encouraging word about how I can do it. I have no one doing that anymore. No encouragement for work. No encouragement for exercising. No encouragement to be a better me. Just me coming home to the life I have now and remembering that I'm all there is anymore. A combination of if I want my life better, I have to do it by myself; and unless I male my life better, no one will want to be a part of it. Heck, I don't even want to be a part of it.
So, I'm trying. Remembering that list will help. I must definitely stop living in the past. Complaining about it won't change it, and neither will wishing things went differently. I must also remember that waiting for the next thing won't make things better.
Granted, next week I'm in Vegas and the weekend is a me weekend. So I've already deemed the week a mix of good and bad, and the weekend a welcome solitude odd despair. I'm also already counting until the end of the month, because June should be my last financially strained month. Yes, these are milestones that might be attached to happiness, but two things. I already had these feelings about these milestones before remembering the last, and I accept the futility of milestones.
Heck, one of my obsessions of the past I need to let go had milestones attached to happiness; and the end of this month will be a year since I've seen them, so clearly milestones don't work. You'll always just have that one more thing to do.
Truth be told, I'm wicked lonely. While I do miss the intimacy of another individual, I truly feel I'm so far past that that I really just want someone to pal around with. I miss my weekly breakfasts. I'd love to have that kind of friend again. The ones I've asked always say no, either because we're out of sync on having our own kids or because something. When I used to be asked, what's the worst she could say? No is a pretty devastating thing she could say. For me nowadays it is. I sit and obsess about why she said no; of its not kid related.
Granted, I've seen me naked in the mirror recently. Hephaestus was a Greek god, but no woman is at home alone fantasizing about this body. I'm a consolation prize. At least that's how I  feel. And to fix me so a woman would want me does go against my goal. I have to fix me for me. Although, sometimes I have just accepted me. Accepted that I'll just be alone if I stay this way, and then I work on being content with being alone.

I lie to myself a lot.

Motivation

So have a severe case of lack of motivation. Between not wanting to do work once I leave work and a sizable number of boxes with stuff still in them, it's become pretty obvious.  I basically come home and think about what I should be doing.  Hell, I even think about what I want to do,
I basically do nothing.
Tomorrow is Friday of a no kids weekend. I look forward to those only because I don't have to entertain and can get things done that need to get done. Since moving in here, this will be my third one. I honestly have every intention of doing stuff this weekend.
The Bob Parsons residence drawings that are due tomorrow I'll definitely have to work on, especially since I told my boss I'd start on them once I get back from Tucson. Oh, and I have to go too Tucson tomorrow; talk about a motivation killer.
Anyway, the drawings have to get done, and I think I want to hang my red shelves do I can get all the nerd stuff out of their boxes. That'll clear up bookshelf space do I can get the books out and into their homes. Oh, and I want to finish the entertainment set and find a place for the record crate. I've also been driving around with VHS tapes in my car that I want to take to Goodwill; I souls do that so I can fold the seats back and reclaim my trunk.
I'm putting this all to words so it's out there. In the off chance anyone reads these, they'll be someone silently judging me when I fail. I'm tired of failing, so hopefully this provides me the motivation I need to start... well, to start.  Anything really.  I need to move on from clusters and boxes and only doing just enough. I think I've had my little pity party long enough. I need to get to enjoying being with myself instead of sitting and loathing what I've become.

Hopefully this was less pathetic and more motivational than other posts. Besides, I'm in Vegas for a week in less than a month, so I need to get ready for long walks and heat.

The what ifs

Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?  The what could have beens?  All this alone time gives me ample opportunity for those.  I try to ignore them.  They only fuel the sadness, but they are always there.  The last couple weeks I've been successful on not acting on them.  Spending time seeking lost relationships, trying to cultivate ones that never started before.  Yes, there's that one, but like all the other what ifs and what could haves, it's a fool's errand.
No, I must concentrate on the present.  Focus on what I have. Focus on what I am.  Sadly, I don't like what I am and I feel I have nothing.  I mean, I have decades worth of failures to look back on.  Failures that have defined me.  Failures that are me.  I look at what I have and I now worry about when they too will become failures.  An older soon I don't know at all.  A current son and daughter I worry about disappointing.
Maybe it's all for naught.  Maybe I'll pull out of these overwhelming feelings and get myself back on track to happiness.  Heh heh.  Maybes are just like the ifs and could haves.  Just a different type of helplessness; one I might have control over.  We'll see, I guess.