What's wrong with me?

Truth be told, I may be lonely at times, but I'm content with my life.  Probably too content, it would seem.  Last Thursday, my son decided he din't want to come over and spend the night.  I was chatting with my daughter earlier today and she reminded me that she's at camp this week, so it'll just be the boy coming over; although he told her that he doesn't want to.  I think that might be my fault.
When he comes over, he switches between devices that play YouTube while he's here and essentially just watches that all day.  Sometimes all night.  It bothers me.  It bothers me that all of his potential creative energy is spent watching people play video games.  He even asks me to buy some of these games for him, and I've gotten to the point that I say no because it does truly become wasted money.  Heck, I don't buy myself as many video games as I used to because I don't often get around to playing them.  In his case, he plays them long enough to discover that they are challenging and then gives up; often going back to watching people play those games on YouTube.  The last game purchase I made for him was MineCraft and other than when he plays the PS3/PS4 version I have, I really don't see him playing it.
So, last week I told him that when he comes over next, he would need to bring a book because he cannot just sit a watch YouTube all day.  Then the next time he didn't come over.  I really try connecting with him, but I think he doesn't think I like him.  So that's been on my mind a lot.
The daughter also watches YouTube a lot, but she tries to share the videos with me.  She understands that I don't like watching people play games, but she tries to share her likes with me.  Her difference is that she does play MineCraft and she does her drawings.  She gets into the challenging aspect of video games and she loves creating things.  However, she does not like reading; except for the Percy Jackson story she started a while back.  I know the boy likes to create, but it always seems to be a task for him.
What does that have to do with me being boring?  Well, since the beginning of the breakup, I always felt obligated to take them somewhere and do stuff.  Unfortunately, that costs money, and I'm still struggling to get financially back into control.  So, on the days and weekends that I have them, we don't often (maybe too often) go anywhere because I really can't afford it.  So we stay here, and I guess all there really is to do when being here is to sit in another room and look at a screen.
Truthfully, it bothers me to the point that I'm actually less sad when they're not here because at least I'm truly alone instead of being ignored.  So, I'm back to bemoaning about being lonely instead of counting my blessings that I'm no longer with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

Huh, it seems that might be the root of the problem here.  Near the end of the marriage, I was sad with the horrible thought the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was doing everything in her power to not be around me.  And then the revelation that was the case, and I was extremely saddened by that fact.  And as you know, I couldn't do the loveless marriage thing because I just cannot be around someone that doesn't want to around me.  So, I guess it makes me sad that my son shares the same feelings for me that his mother does.  Even more so, they're not the only ones.  I'm not willing to get into here right now, but there has been further realization that while I'm miserable being alone, spending time with someone that doesn't want to be with me is pretty devastating.
And so, maybe there is something wrong with me.  I mean, each of these people I'm thinking about want to be with me for a reason, but for the most part they don't want to be with me.

It seems I'm the common denominator here.  I guess I'm the broken one here, or I want people in my life that don't want me.  Truth be told, I'm content with my life, so I guess I'll just be lonely.

Twenty Things...

So, yesterday I mentioned an old article I read a couple years back.  "20 Things You Need To Stop Doing If You Want To Be Happy" (link).  My Facebook friends might have followed the link I shared there, but (under the assumption anyone I don't know is reading this) I also wanted to include it here.  If anything, for a reference of my dialog below.  You see, I've been a bit obsessive in my thoughts recently, so the rediscovery of this article at this particular time is a welcome thing for me.  The last month has been a bit harder to capture my inner happiness, and has reflected in my anxiety related to what I'm doing - anything I'm doing.  So, for the purposes of this entry, I'm going to list the twenty items and how I need to approach doing each one; or at least accept that I've failed at them.

1. Involving yourself in drama
I thought I was doing well on this one.  Finally moving out and truly being on my own, I reduced so much of the drama in my life.  And while I have in the last couple months been sucked back into extended family drama, I've tried very hard to limit my interaction with the poisonous ones. Unfortunately, I'm noticing that I'm highlighting/creating drama at work. I think I'm expressing my work-frustrations, but I'm really just gossiping and that's not healthy. This last week is realized what I was doing, and am focusing on changing  that this week.

2. Pursuing unrealistic expectations
I feel I've pretty much got this one, although my explanation reeks of low expectations. I've accepted that my life will probably be just me for a while, and I tell myself I'm okay with that. I know that I didn't settle in the last relationship, so I don't want to convince myself I'm not settling in the next one. As a bonus, the relationships I do want I've already deemed unrealistic, so I'm already ahead there.

3. Settling for less than what you really want
And that's the other part above. Work wise, I'm perfect. A bit stressed recently, but I'm sure that might be related to my personal life. I mean, without a friend to talk to at home, I talk to my friends at work. But as you saw with number one above, I don't have anyone to talk to about work. Yes, that was avoidance, damn you. Look, what I really want I can't have, and eventually I'll come to terms with that. Every now and then there's an inkling of hope, but I have to be mindful. Vigilant.

4. Always saying yes
This applies to some situations, and I'm working on it. Work, I always say I can do it. I don't want to let them down. They're are some people in my personal life where that's true too. I worry about coming off as an asshole, so I'm tapering off.

5. Always saying no
Sadly, that's to me. I always deny myself. I convince me to not and then I succeed in not. I have to fix that, but it's so broken.

6. Living in the past
But I was happy in the past, and my present is so pitiful. No, I get it. I'm working on it. Like any bad habit, I'm taking it one day at a time.

7. Comparing yourself to others
I'm so bad at this, especially when scrolling through my Facebook feeds. Happiness and success everywhere, and I have me. It makes me sad, but I know I need to stop. Either with the comparisons or Facebook in general.

8. Criticizing yourself
That'll be hard. Every day this last year has had opportunities to evaluate myself and how I can be better. This might be one of the last things I tackle.

9. Focusing on material possessions
I'm pretty good here. In my life, I've lost more than I ever had, so I never focused so much on that. I have what I need.

10. Putting other people first all the time
Other than my kids, cat and work; I don't really have other people. But I know when I do, I'll need to come back to this and take care of that.

11. Focusing on what you "should" do
I'm sorry, but this entry anyways made me think a young person wrote this. There's things at work and at home I should be doing. Even personal things I should be doing. I never understood of this was related to societal views or actual should items.

12. Attaching false meaning to situations and conversations
I'm very bad at this. So very bad. It is the core of my anxiety when dealing with people. Especially if I think they're not opening up to me. Then not only to I attach things to the conversation, but I'm attaching them to the motivation behind the conversation. It easier to just avoid getting into them, but I should probably keep this one in mind and work on it each time.

13. Waiting for inspiration/motivation/change
Guilty, and I have to stop it. I just have to power through and do what needs to be done. No more excuses.

14. Living in the future
I look forward to the future, mainly because financial planning says I'll start to be successful at that in the future. Facts are facts, and math is math. I have about a month or two until I no longer fret about making ends meet.

15. Falling for the "When I have X, I'll be happy" myth
Oh, yeah. I realized that about a month ago. Right before trying to convince myself that I'll be happy afterthe divorce. No, I need to start working on that happiness now, with what I have.

16. Depending on other people to make you happy
This too happened right along with 15. I can't wait for someone that makes me happy. And I can't wait for a version of me that makes me happy. I just have to jump right in.

17. Focusing on what you don't have, rather than what you do
It seems like it's repeating, but it's just as valid of an entry. Over the last month, I've all but stopped this. Other than finances, I'm working with what I have. Eventually I'll have a bed frame so my mattress isn't on the floor, and I'll have matching bedroom furniture. Eventually I'll have a couch that fits me and my needs. But until then, they are not things to focus on.

18. Focusing on what you're against, rather than what you're for
I wish this was the one thing everyone else did. I say that because I was so poisoned by this election cycle that I realized I was unhappy because of it. All these vile postings against the other side and then attacks when trying to illicit a conversation. It was painful, but it made me realize I shouldn't do it either.

19. Trying to be someone you're not
Seems like a catch 22. Who I'm not is what I want to be. Who I am is someone people don't want to be with, myself included. I'll work on being who I want to be, but I'll make sure I don't again  become someone I'm not.

20. Believing that happiness is a destination
No, but I'm hoping to make it a permanent state. Or at least an often achievable one.

In Case You Care

I've tried doing a couple updates since the last one. The last attempt was while I was on my stationary bike, and clicking done when I was finished somehow made everything go away. Like I hadn't done anything. It was very fitting.
I'm starting my third month at my new place. Still have about four boxes of stuff (my nerd stuff) and two shelves to put up. Oh, and some pictures. Make it more homey. Welcoming. You know, for that no one that's coming over. Besides my kids and their mom when she drops them off. Oh, and next week when I'm out of town; they'll be by to feed Waffles.
Anyway, third month, and no real change in my life. There was a "this day in Facebook history" pay from a couple years back about happiness. At the time that I shared it, I was happy in my life. I love being home with my family. I loved being at work doing things I enjoy. It was a happy life, and everything on that list was a reason.
Then a year later my life changed and I guess I forgot about that list. I looked it over today, and damned if I haven't failed at so much of it. One of the items was "if I just wait for this to happen, I'll be happy." That's been this idiot for the last year. The last milestone was moving in here, but here I am moved in and I still feel the same.
Even now, I'm looking forward to next weekend because I'll have the chance to just be alone. I don't like the being alone. If given enough time to think about stuff, well obsess actually, I'll spend midday of my time extremely sad work no one to talk to. I like when the kids are here, but they don't care, nor do they need to know, what's going on in my life.
I miss having that friend that just listens and maybe offers an encouraging word about how I can do it. I have no one doing that anymore. No encouragement for work. No encouragement for exercising. No encouragement to be a better me. Just me coming home to the life I have now and remembering that I'm all there is anymore. A combination of if I want my life better, I have to do it by myself; and unless I male my life better, no one will want to be a part of it. Heck, I don't even want to be a part of it.
So, I'm trying. Remembering that list will help. I must definitely stop living in the past. Complaining about it won't change it, and neither will wishing things went differently. I must also remember that waiting for the next thing won't make things better.
Granted, next week I'm in Vegas and the weekend is a me weekend. So I've already deemed the week a mix of good and bad, and the weekend a welcome solitude odd despair. I'm also already counting until the end of the month, because June should be my last financially strained month. Yes, these are milestones that might be attached to happiness, but two things. I already had these feelings about these milestones before remembering the last, and I accept the futility of milestones.
Heck, one of my obsessions of the past I need to let go had milestones attached to happiness; and the end of this month will be a year since I've seen them, so clearly milestones don't work. You'll always just have that one more thing to do.
Truth be told, I'm wicked lonely. While I do miss the intimacy of another individual, I truly feel I'm so far past that that I really just want someone to pal around with. I miss my weekly breakfasts. I'd love to have that kind of friend again. The ones I've asked always say no, either because we're out of sync on having our own kids or because something. When I used to be asked, what's the worst she could say? No is a pretty devastating thing she could say. For me nowadays it is. I sit and obsess about why she said no; of its not kid related.
Granted, I've seen me naked in the mirror recently. Hephaestus was a Greek god, but no woman is at home alone fantasizing about this body. I'm a consolation prize. At least that's how I  feel. And to fix me so a woman would want me does go against my goal. I have to fix me for me. Although, sometimes I have just accepted me. Accepted that I'll just be alone if I stay this way, and then I work on being content with being alone.

I lie to myself a lot.

Motivation

So have a severe case of lack of motivation. Between not wanting to do work once I leave work and a sizable number of boxes with stuff still in them, it's become pretty obvious.  I basically come home and think about what I should be doing.  Hell, I even think about what I want to do,
I basically do nothing.
Tomorrow is Friday of a no kids weekend. I look forward to those only because I don't have to entertain and can get things done that need to get done. Since moving in here, this will be my third one. I honestly have every intention of doing stuff this weekend.
The Bob Parsons residence drawings that are due tomorrow I'll definitely have to work on, especially since I told my boss I'd start on them once I get back from Tucson. Oh, and I have to go too Tucson tomorrow; talk about a motivation killer.
Anyway, the drawings have to get done, and I think I want to hang my red shelves do I can get all the nerd stuff out of their boxes. That'll clear up bookshelf space do I can get the books out and into their homes. Oh, and I want to finish the entertainment set and find a place for the record crate. I've also been driving around with VHS tapes in my car that I want to take to Goodwill; I souls do that so I can fold the seats back and reclaim my trunk.
I'm putting this all to words so it's out there. In the off chance anyone reads these, they'll be someone silently judging me when I fail. I'm tired of failing, so hopefully this provides me the motivation I need to start... well, to start.  Anything really.  I need to move on from clusters and boxes and only doing just enough. I think I've had my little pity party long enough. I need to get to enjoying being with myself instead of sitting and loathing what I've become.

Hopefully this was less pathetic and more motivational than other posts. Besides, I'm in Vegas for a week in less than a month, so I need to get ready for long walks and heat.

The what ifs

Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?  The what could have beens?  All this alone time gives me ample opportunity for those.  I try to ignore them.  They only fuel the sadness, but they are always there.  The last couple weeks I've been successful on not acting on them.  Spending time seeking lost relationships, trying to cultivate ones that never started before.  Yes, there's that one, but like all the other what ifs and what could haves, it's a fool's errand.
No, I must concentrate on the present.  Focus on what I have. Focus on what I am.  Sadly, I don't like what I am and I feel I have nothing.  I mean, I have decades worth of failures to look back on.  Failures that have defined me.  Failures that are me.  I look at what I have and I now worry about when they too will become failures.  An older soon I don't know at all.  A current son and daughter I worry about disappointing.
Maybe it's all for naught.  Maybe I'll pull out of these overwhelming feelings and get myself back on track to happiness.  Heh heh.  Maybes are just like the ifs and could haves.  Just a different type of helplessness; one I might have control over.  We'll see, I guess.

Broken

This was a rough week.  Lots of poor life choices coming back to haunt me.  I always thought I was a slave to the "what ifs" but I'm really a slave to my past choices.  I've realized I'm too old to be anything other than what I am now, and right now I'm broken.  This last year and been a gentle reminder that there are way too many people in my life that would rather keep their distance, and this week cemented that sad reality.
Prince died last week and that was sad.  Unfortunately that's not what made me super sad this week.  Since my personal life is what it is, I throw myself into my work, but even that is exhausting.  So here I am in desperate need of an outlet and I really have no desire to find one.  Heck, I'm already bored of doing this.
Maybe I just need a nap.  Tomorrow I need to focus and get stuff out of boxes and make this place more like a home.  A home for one, and a cat.  Sunday I'll have to spend on work.
I almost cried a few times on the way home tonight.  Primarily before of the above realization that this version of me is basically the final version, and I'm ready for the finality.  Prince is dead and that's sad, but Robin Williams is too.  The funniest man in my life was unable to overcome his sadness, and that scares me.  I'm not going to do anything, it's more of a welcoming of a natural event.  Like how people post that they wake up and thank God for blessing them with another day, and I'm all like "what did I do to piss him off that I'm still alive?"
Okay, that makes me laugh.  This helped.  See y'all tomorrow.

A Better Place 2 Die

Today was a sad day.  Today the world lost someone.  Today was devastating.  I mean, I'm okay.  Robin Williams died, I was sad.  David Bowie died, I was sad.  Freddie Mercury died, I was sad.  Others died, and I was sad.  Today though.... well, I think I'm still in denial.
I know Prince is dead.  I know that won't change tomorrow when I wake up.  I know that the world is sad or shocked.  I know that regardless of how anyone felt of him, today everyone is a Prince fan.  And, if the calls and texts throughout the day were any indication, I know that people think that I'll take this badly.  Well, I don't know.  Maybe I'll know later.  Heck, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish here.
Soundtrack of my life.  This is how I described my relationship with Prince to anyone that wonders why my "unhealthy" fascination with him.  From the first tape I ever owned of his (Parade) there have been times where his music or movies spoke to me.  Playing "Sometimes It Snows In April" during my mother's funeral.  Accepting my name because he played a character named Christopher in "Under the Cherry Moon."  I even started writing a semi-autobiography story when I was in my late teens called "The Arms of Orion" where all the characters were names from Prince songs, all the chapters were Prince song titles, and the lead character (based on me) was the lead singer of a Prince tribute band.  I used Andre Crabtree III for that character's name.  Over the course of the story, the failed love interests were named Marcia, Dorothy, and Charlemagne.  Actually, as I look at it, not all the chapters, but it is reflective of how much music is important to me.
Music is my escape, and Prince always had music I could escape to.  Iron Maiden sounds like Iron Maiden.  Meat Loaf sounds like Meat Loaf.  Marilyn Manson sounds like Marilyn Manson.  Areosmith sound--  You see the pattern.  But Prince -- Prince was all music.  From funk to jazz, from classical to rock, from spiritual to throw her on the bed and fuck her to it.  Prince has music for that.  And that was my hook.  That's why my fascination.  He always spoke to my situation.  From the happiness of "Walk Don't Walk" "I Like It There" and "Delirious" to the spirituality of "Elephants and Flowers" "The Cross" "She Gave Her Angels" and his cover version of "One Of Us."  From the power of "Now" "I Rock Therefore I Am" and "Like a Mack" to the soulfulness of "Joy In Repetition" "Digital Garden" and "Welcome 2 the Dawn."  Even the love-hopefully songs like "Girl In My Dreams" "Beautiful, Loved and Blessed" "Somebody's Somebody" and "Still Would Stand All Time."  There was always a Prince that helped me through something in my life.
Now what?  Prince is gone, and he didn't write a song to help me with that.  Well, he did.  Depending on how I got it, it's either called Moonbeam Levels or A Better Place 2 Die.  It is my all-time favorite song since I found it in '91. Both versions are a unmastered board recording that's heard to decipher.  Every time he announced releasing songs from his vaults... this was the song I always wanted a clean version of.  Today that hope died, but that song is now the perfect metaphor for my relationship with Prince and my life.  Raw, unfinished, unclear, but all I have.
The rest of today's post is the lyrics from that song and snippets from "The Arms of Orion" (my story, not his song).  Many will go back to their lives in a couple/few days, but this loss will stick with me for quite some time.  Don't worry, I'll be fine.  I always have my Prince music with me.

A Better Place 2 Die / Moonbeam Levels

Yesterday I tried 2 write a novel but I didn't know where 2 begin
So I laid down in the grass tryin' 2 feel the world turn
Boy loses girl in a rain storm, nuclear World War III
All that's left is pain and sorrow, as far as he's concerned

He says please send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
Please Send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
Please Send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
I'm looking 4 a better place 2 die

A newborn child knows nothing of destruction
Nothing of love and hate
What happens in between is a mystery
Because we don't give a damn about his fate

He says he'll never keep diaries 2 learn from his mistakes
Instead he'll just repeat all the good things he's done
Fight 4 perfect love until perfect love he makes
When he's happy then his battle will be won

Please send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
Please Send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
Please Send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
I'm looking 4 a better place 2 die

Please send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
Please Send all your moonbeam levels 2 me
He don't, he don't, he don't really wanna die
He don't really want 2 die





Scraps from "The Arms off Orion"

"Do you know why you're here?" the therapist asked as she sat in the chair at the foot of Aundre's bed.
Aundre was silent as he looked out the room's window.
"Your father says you're suicidal." She paused for any comment. "Is it over your mother's death?"
More silence as he took in her inquiry.
"You have to talk about it, Aundre."
"No," he finally said with a cold voice. "No, I don't. I've been put here against my will, and for the wrong reason."
"Suicide or your mother's death?" she asked.
He was silent again.
"Aundre?"
"Please, Stephanie, I'm not ready to talk about what I'm going through right now."
"Can you at least tell me what it is?"
"So you can put it in my chart?" he asked with deep sarcasm.
"So I know what we're to work on," she clarified.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"Love."
"Love? I'm afraid I don't understand."
Aundre gave a halfhearted laugh. "Well, I'm not going to explain it." He looked at her. "Not until I'm ready." He returned to looking out the window. "I need to understand my situation a little better before I go explaining to everyone and God."
"Did you have a break up from a deep relationship?"
"Do you mind?" he snapped, feeling threatened by her probing. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? I promise; when I'm ready, I'll come to you."
"You do understand that your admittance here is because of whatever it is you're going through, so the longer you wait to talk about it the longer you stay."
"Point taken," Aundre said appearing to withdraw from the conversation.
"Tell me one thing, Aundre," she said, pausing for a second, "are you suicidal?"
"I don't know," went his simple answer.
She looked surprised. "You don't know? Aundre, I think when someone wants to kill themselves, they know."
"I don't. Now please, leave me be."
"Just like that?" she asked. "Just go? Last time you were here was because of your mother's death, but now, now you seem more withdrawn. Worse than last time, and I know that it's not because of your mother. Does she even have a name?"
Aundre looked away from the window, but not at Stephanie. He juggled the idea of letting her know or keeping quiet a little while longer. "Yes," he finally said, "she has a name; Marcia. Now please," he said to her with eyes filled with sorrow, "I want to be left alone."
"You're hurting, Aundre. Can we please talk?"
Aundre lowered his head in frustration. "Please," he said as the sorrow trickled into his voice, "I am not in the mood to talk right now."
"But I can tell-"
"Stop it!" he yelled.
She kept quiet as he sat on the bed, head bowed down as the emotions came rushing.
A tear ran down his face.
"Now is not the time to talk about this," he whispered. "Anytime but now. If you must stay, please, don't ask questions."
"Yea, but how am I-"
"Don't ask questions," he said looking up exposing his tear-tracked face. "I hurt, but not enough to talk."

"What are you looking for in a lover?" he asked her.
She looked at him, using her eyes and said, "I'm not."

"Hello?" Aundre said as he picked up the phone.
"Aundre?" Charlemange's voice said with surprise; probably from him not being Fredrick, Aundre thought.
"Yes," Aundre said wondering if he should lie for the little imp. "Fredrick's in a session with his therapist," Aundre said, wondering if she could tell if he was lying.
"He doesn't want to see me, does he?"
She could tell, he thought.
"Please, Charlemange, I don't want to get dragged into this."
"Into what?"
"You and Fredrick. I don't know what's going on; I wish I did.
"So do I."
"But I'm not sure if I want to."
"Want to?" she asked sounding puzzled. "Want to what?"
Aundre paused as he debated his situation. "Be let in. I mean, I like you and all, but Fredrick and his jealousy won't let me near you, but now I get the impression he doesn't care. I want to know why, but then again, I don't."
The phone was silent for awhile as Aundre wondered if he had said too much.
Say something, he thought. Tell her something. At least get your foot in the door, his mind said before it started laughing. Get her from the rebound.
A crying voice interrupted his thoughts.
"What am I supposed to do?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"About my life. It sucks. My mother won't ever let me see my friends, my boyfriend won't ever see me, my best friend is trying to steal my boyfriend from me. I can't see anybody, I can't do anything, and I can't go anywhere. My life sucks."
Aundre sat there lost in her emotions. He wanted in. He wanted to get to know her. "Cheer her up," he thought. "What should I say though? I don't want to scare her off."
"What can you do from here?" his little voice asked.
"I can empathize," he answered. "She needs an ear to listen."
"You and I both know that an ear is not what she needs."
"You're wrong."
"I want to die," her voice said, breaking his thought.
Aundre was stunned. "Did she say what I think she said?" he asked himself.
"Yes," his voice answered, "and don't even think about it. She's suicidal We both heard it, but you denied it. Well she said it, and you better not do it. Just say good bye, hang up the phone, and walk away. You don't need this."
"She needs me."
"You need someone else."
"I can't have her. I want Charlemange."
"Listen to me. She'll only hurt you. Say good bye, hang up the phone, and walk away."
"I can't do that to her, I care. I have to do this."

"She's suicidal She'll drag you down like the others."

"She needs me."
"Do you enjoy this? You need someone who won't hurt you. Don't think that if you can't have what you need that you'll settle with what you want. It doesn't work that way. Stay away. Say good bye."
"I can't."
"You must. She'll kill you if you let her."
"She won't."
"Based on? You hardly know her."
"I want to get to know her."
"A suicidal little girl that has emotions as unpredictable as yours? Just say good bye; hang up the phone, and-"
"I'm going to tell her."
"Tell her what?"
"I don't know, but she needs to hear something."
"We both know what you're going to say. Don't do it."
"I have to."
"Say good bye..."
"She needs me."
"... hang up the phone..."
"I want her."
"... and walk away."
"I think I'm failing in love with you," he said in desperation.
His mind screamed in agonizing pain.
Silence thundered on the phone afterwards for what seemed like eternity.
"Please, Aundre, I don't what this. Not this way."
"Not what way?"
"I don't want to be alive anymore, and I don't want you to love me because it'll be that much harder for me."
"I know, and if you die, it'll be that much harder for me to carry on."
"I don't deserve you."
"And you deserve Fredrick? You're only hurting yourself."
"I'm suicidal. I want to die," she screamed. "Hurting myself is all just part of it. You're just going to get in the way."
"Prolong the pain," he injected. "I know the routine." He looked at his watch. "I have groups soon. Can you call me at eight tonight?"
"If I'm still alive."
"Thanks," he said with a smile. "I'll be waiting. Talk to you later."
"Good bye, Aundre," she said.
A dial tone replaced her voice as Aundre hung up his end.
"She won't call," his voice said.
"Yes she will."

TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU (chapter entry)

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing it alone for much too long
I feel like no one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover and the love you left behind
You're headed for disaster 'cause you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you, every time.

Aundre was deciding early on his journey that song true to his present situation were not in his best interest to be listening to. A coast to coast journey needed no reminder why it was done this way. Dorothy was where she was, and Aundre was on his way to California; but first he had to stop by Marcia's for a few days. He hadn't seen her in almost four years, but she was an ear that he turned to on the phone ever since his first intentions of leaving his wife, Dorothy. He was glad that he and Marcia had remained friends for all these years, despite what they went through in high school.

"I don't know, Marcia," he remembered saying to her one Sunday morning in California while Dorothy had gone to church, "things seem different since I got back from Alaska. Maybe it's just me. It just seems different knowing that there's this big gap in that trust barrier."
"You had a bad misunderstanding, Aundre. She was having a bad time with you gone and you, like you always do, made the best with what you had."
"She had no right to accuse me of sleeping with her. I took a vow when we got married and to accused of breaking it really upsets me."
"Did you?"
"I can't believe you asked me that."
"As your friend, and editor; did you?"
"And as someone who finds it difficult to lie and break promises; no."
"I believe you."
"Thank you. You know sometimes I wish you were my wife, but hey- my loss."
"Something like that."
They both observed a moment of silence as Aundre tried to think of something to say and she waited for him to say something.
"It's just that on the way back I started to think, or rather realize that I don't love her any more. At least it doesn't feel like love anymore. It's empty. The whole relationship is empty, and that's not a feeling that I feel comfortable living."
"So you need to tell her this," she said as if he was paying her eighty bucks to lay on her couch and pour his heart out.
"Easier said than done, Marcia. I don't think you, or anyone else for that matter, realize how difficult it is to tell some one that you've shared a life with that you're done. I may not love her, but she still loves me. I don't want to hurt her."
"So you'll keep on hurting yourself?"
"It's better than her hating me."
"If you say so."

Aundre smiled as he recalled the being married to Marcia slip. "Yes," he thought, "why didn't I? Of course would things be different? Would I be happy? Would I be leaving my wife on one coast as I sort out what's going through my head on another? The coast where everything thing started.

WHEN DOVES CRY

"So you're not happy," Marcia said to Aundre as her lay on her living room floor while she looked through her CDs.
He flopped onto his back in despair. "Not happy is a nice way to put it." He gave a short halfhearted laugh. "A very nice way. It's just that the more I stay with Dorothy, the more I know that's it's not her I love."
Then it hit him. A thought so loud in his head that he thought he might scream. He looked at Marcia to see if she had heard it. He gave a long sigh of pain and relief. A sigh she heard.
"Are you okay, Aundre?" she asked as she grabbed the CD she was looking for and walked to where he lay. "I don't think I've ever seen you this down before.
"Yea, well being married'll do that to ya'."
"Talk," she said as she sat down. "What's wrong?"
"Everything," he said as he recalled the times they had together, four years earlier. He closed his eyes in pain.
"Don't let these feelings come back," he said to himself, "not now, not here."
A tear slowly made its way through his closed lids and down his face.
He lay there, on her floor, in pain over being with his wife, and now, wanting her.
Another tear broke lose.
"Why do I have to hurt now? In front of her?"
He held back crying with all his might as another tear ran down his face.
A shock went through his body as she touched his face and followed the tear.
"Everything is wrong," he said, his voice overflowing with sadness. "Leaving Tribal Youth to get away from all those bad memories, ordering that damn fruit cocktail," he paused to release a deep breath, "coming here."
She quickly withdrew her hand. "Coming here?"
He opened his eyes to discover her blue eyes locked on his. He slowly closed his eyes again.
"All the emotions I ever had for you have come rushing back. I feel like a sand damn that can't take the strain." He stopped to release a few more tears. "I had wondered if two days ago I'd fallen in love with you again, and at first seeing you I was remembered how beautiful you are."
"And now?" she asked after a long pause.
He drew a couple difficult breaths as he tried to put his thoughts into words. "I never stopped loving you, Marcia. For the past few years I've been living a lie. A lie created to shroud the fact that there is only one person that I can love, and that she broke my heart so many years ago." He groaned in frustration.
"I can't believe I did this to myself."
She looked away in thought. "What exactly are you doing to yourself?" she asked.
He sighed. "In high school I thought I was in love with you, but, unlike all the others, it felt like love. You know. Can't eat, can't sleep, a weird uncontrollable shaking."
"No," she said shaking her head.
He opened his eyes to see her still looking away.
"I don't know what love feels like."
"But you told me you were in love with Bob."
"Please," she said looking at him in distaste, "I was seventeen years old. I didn't know what love was."
"I did," he said closing his eyes again, the tears having stopped for the time being. "I knew then as I know now. It's just sad that I had to waste so much time with Dorothy. I think I could handle living alone for the rest of my life than living a lie." He fell silent, as he thought for a bit. Lost in memories, both good and bad. "I think I loved you too much, and now it pains me to be here still knowing that you don't share the same feelings." Silence filled the room as he tried to bring his emotions to a similar calmness.
Then he felt her lips on his.